Saturday, November 9, 2013
Thursday, April 26, 2012
“You were born with potential
You were born with goodness and trust
You were born with ideals and dreams
You were born with greatness
You were born with wings
You are not meant for crawling, so don’t
You have wings Learn to use them and fly!”
- Rumi, 13th Century Sufi Mystic.
I write this entry from my warm, dark, partially Universe-demanded, partially self-imposed cocoon: greetings! I guess me unconsious desire to fly and stop crawling was strong enough that the creator heard my prayers and gently turned my life seemingly upside down before placing me in this here womb-like environment. I wasn't meant to crawl and I knew it, as you know it, but for whatever reason I didn't think I deserved to fly. As I crawled the floor was getting warmer, that was the universe sending me cues but I was too 'busy' to stop and listen. Busy acquiring all the 'stuff' I thought I needed to make me happy (all of which were outside of me); when all I needed to do was stop, shut up and listen to that still voice within. The floor got warmer and warmer but Migue kept crawling instead of heeding (the universe NEVER ask us to stop living in verbs, we just need to be wise and choose which ones we'll do). The floor got so hot that I had an option: keep crawling and burn or surrender and let the transformation occur. So here I am in my cocoon: afraid, nervous but excited and ready. More to come, in the meantime enjoy this piece, part of the soundtrack of my life lately. Ache Transformation, by Lawrence Flowers and Intercession
You were born with goodness and trust
You were born with ideals and dreams
You were born with greatness
You were born with wings
You are not meant for crawling, so don’t
You have wings Learn to use them and fly!”
- Rumi, 13th Century Sufi Mystic.
I write this entry from my warm, dark, partially Universe-demanded, partially self-imposed cocoon: greetings! I guess me unconsious desire to fly and stop crawling was strong enough that the creator heard my prayers and gently turned my life seemingly upside down before placing me in this here womb-like environment. I wasn't meant to crawl and I knew it, as you know it, but for whatever reason I didn't think I deserved to fly. As I crawled the floor was getting warmer, that was the universe sending me cues but I was too 'busy' to stop and listen. Busy acquiring all the 'stuff' I thought I needed to make me happy (all of which were outside of me); when all I needed to do was stop, shut up and listen to that still voice within. The floor got warmer and warmer but Migue kept crawling instead of heeding (the universe NEVER ask us to stop living in verbs, we just need to be wise and choose which ones we'll do). The floor got so hot that I had an option: keep crawling and burn or surrender and let the transformation occur. So here I am in my cocoon: afraid, nervous but excited and ready. More to come, in the meantime enjoy this piece, part of the soundtrack of my life lately. Ache Transformation, by Lawrence Flowers and Intercession
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Devoted devotee
Good morning familia. Happy Tuesday! Thank you for taking the time to read my words, my soul. May it speak to you as it's speaking to me while I write.
My saturn's return is in FULL effect. On a metaphysical level the time between our 28-32 birthdays is very auspicious. The changes brought about by Saturn and her power can be extremely scary, lonely, guilty, shameful and you may undoubtedly feel defeated. All the 'stuff' in your life just starts to come up from what seems nowhere and it has the ability to knock you down on yo a##. Relationships will be tested, jobs will be placed on the line for you to decide if you are really happy doing what you do; plans you had in the past but never got to will come knocking at your door yet again; YOU will be tested, but just like with anything in life that if you are fearful of- you can either allow these circumstances to keep you a prisoner in your own life or you can use them to catapult you forward into the next, bigger, greater, brighter chapter(stuff I've written over and over and you already know anyway) ;). I've been 30 for almost 2 months and I can already tell you it's been a HUMBLING experience. I thought I was layers into my 'onion' in order to get to my true essence but lord: I've only cracked off that dry crust that comes off mad easy anyway. It is only now that I'm getting to the second layer and you know what...that's perfectly OK! I will be patient with myself and take my time and strip down to get to the perfect, whole, god given soul.
Devotion is a word I've been meditating on for quite a while now, and on what it means to me. It's a word I am no stranger to. In terms of 'faith' I consider myself a pretty devoted devotee =). I have woken up hours before the cold has even started to form in the eyes of our beloved morning birds in order to pray or meditate for hours and hours in silence, with chants, with bells or 7day candles (velones for my Catolicos). I attend spiritual centers, churches and ashrams in order to solidify my faith. I have given up eating deelish sweets that I just adore, drinking one sip of alcohol or one drop of soda in order to learn discipline and garner more faith. I have fasted for mornings, afternoons and even DAYS. Drinking potents and syrups and juicing in order to detoxify all the impurities I've allowed in. I even have an altar decorated with blue and yellow silk, with pearls, peacock feathers and mirrors for Ochun, a small San Miguel statue, pictures of my ancestors who have passed and spiritual books I read daily affirmations out of. Speaking of books, if you want some great life-altering books to read holla at me I can list about 25 on the spot and have read and own them all. This is All great devotion but at 30 I'm realizing it's just not enough, faith without action just isn't really faith at all. I have done all of these great things in the name of making myself a better person, making the world a better place, but I haven't put much action into this work. One of my mantras is "Step out in Faith" but the verb in that phrase has eluded me. I must STEP out in all of that faith I have cultivated. Put one foot in front of the other and just walk, one step at a time. But I haven't allowed that to come easy into my life =/.
In an efforts to 'be a better person' I'll sit in meditation for hours than go do yoga and bend my body and my soul in contorted ways to help me 'find' peace but on my commute back home from the studio I'll snap at someone on the train for some relatively random/minor act. I will get home and instead of putting my faith and action into my dissertation work and BELIEVE and affirm that I can do this degree,I'll find 1 million other things to do like nap or laligag on facebook for way too long. My mother suddenly transforms from the tiny docile amazing chef she is to (according to my ego) the most annoying, impatient, rude, boundary-stepping lady who ever walked this earth...where is my faith? I allow the fears and pain from my past to dictate what I am going to think, feel and inevitably how I am going to act. My faith tells me that I should not be a prisoner to cirucmstance, that I need to let go of the past and just STEP but I don't believe this, something inside of me doesn't feel worthy of being ALLOWED to let go of what so and so did to me, 'did you hear how she spoke to me?', 'do you know how much I gave him and he didn't give me the same back in return'...now I may be alone on this one so forgive me if it's not resonating with anyone on this site ;) it's just my truth for the moment.
Now the beautiful irony with the way faith works is that you can be that devoted devotee mentioned above. You can stand up from your half-lotus or kneeling position, slowly drift back from your meditative state, finish the last page of that amazing book and expect your life to be all Zen and for everything to fall into it's divine 'perfect' place (again, this just may be). But that's usually not how it works. You prayed for clarity and happiness and joy and God sends it to you but it may not look the way you want it to look. You have to do some spring cleaning before anything happens, you have to ACT. It seems that right after you have a beautiful spiritual moment in whatever fashion, life just says 'Here Miguelina, you have done all of this necessary work now you can handle all of this STUFF'...and the universe will send you some S T U F F! People, events, circumstances that have the potential to put you on yo you know what. You can easily fall into the victim role and cry out 'Why me God? I did all this work I deserve peace and quiet. I've asked for you to come into my life: Where are you?!'. But the thing we forget is that IS God, that is God making you stronger and better and more at peace. There is just some 'stuff' that you need to clean and sort out and the only way to get that done is to see it, to feel it. But we confuse this with punishment, or think that our faith isn't working so we don't put that necessary action into it. So we go back and start from square one, either doing the same things to build up our faith again or starting with new rituals, prayers or mantras. We go in circles instead of sitting still for a moment and then going forward, stepping out in a straight line. Or if you are anything like me you allow fear to stop you in your own tracks. We may be reluctant to step forward because maybe we are afraid. I'm sorry IIII am reluctant because I am afraid ;), I am afraid that I may not be able to complete that task, to finish that project, to Love myself enough to believe I can do whatever it is I put my mind towards, I am afraid to be hurt again. We expend energy fighting these inner battles with our fears when the battle isn't ours to fight, it's our creator's. Whoever he, she, it or they are, it is theirs. Hand it over to them in your prayers, in your devotion. Let them know that you cannot do this on your own and you need divine intervention (thanks Gri!) All of that energy that we no longer need to fight our inner battle can now be put towards something better: cleaning up the STUFF that was surfaced through our devotion.
The clean up process will look different for everyone. It can be being a bit more patient and nicer to the teenagers on the L train in the morning, it may be that class you've always wanted to take but were always making excuses (no time, no money,etc). You may need to make the painful decision of walking away from a relationship (romantic or not) that is not bringing you joy or peace OR you may need to let go of your 'perceived' fears and surrender to someone you love and loves you back. Maybe it's time to really sit with yourself and admit that you HATE your job and you need to leave and than you do just that...LEAVE! And that's where FAITH comes back in, your faith will allow you to take that necessary step knowing that God got yo back. Your faith doesn't let anything stop you from doing you, fulfilling your dreams and getting what is your God-given right: SUSTAINABLE peace and happiness. So it's a beautiful cycle of faith, action, faith again than more action...and it just keeps going and raising you up higher and higher to a lighter happier place where you belong. Not vibrating at the bottom of the barrel of life with the lower emotions, but up in the sky with the higher ones, mainly with LOVE. Love of self being the primordial one.
As I write I feel like I meditate and sit through a therapy session all at once; it helps me flesh out some STUFF in my life =) and makes things a bit clearer for me. I let my pieces morph into whatever the universe wants them to morph into. I almost never title my work until I'm almost done, this one not being an exception. The title, just like most of the material in this piece just comes to me and I share it with you all. What came to me as I wrote today is that despite all I wrote about working on our faith and developing it, we don't NEED to do all of that work to be good people or have peace enter our lives. It's wonderful, beautiful and someone in the universe is appreciative of all of your sacrifices and offerings but we don't need to perform any rituals or say any prayers in order to do or be good, it's just who we are, inherently GOOD, we just forgot. Faith is just there to remind us of who we are but more importantly WHOSE we are.
Ache
Peace
Om...
Migueluz
My saturn's return is in FULL effect. On a metaphysical level the time between our 28-32 birthdays is very auspicious. The changes brought about by Saturn and her power can be extremely scary, lonely, guilty, shameful and you may undoubtedly feel defeated. All the 'stuff' in your life just starts to come up from what seems nowhere and it has the ability to knock you down on yo a##. Relationships will be tested, jobs will be placed on the line for you to decide if you are really happy doing what you do; plans you had in the past but never got to will come knocking at your door yet again; YOU will be tested, but just like with anything in life that if you are fearful of- you can either allow these circumstances to keep you a prisoner in your own life or you can use them to catapult you forward into the next, bigger, greater, brighter chapter(stuff I've written over and over and you already know anyway) ;). I've been 30 for almost 2 months and I can already tell you it's been a HUMBLING experience. I thought I was layers into my 'onion' in order to get to my true essence but lord: I've only cracked off that dry crust that comes off mad easy anyway. It is only now that I'm getting to the second layer and you know what...that's perfectly OK! I will be patient with myself and take my time and strip down to get to the perfect, whole, god given soul.
Devotion is a word I've been meditating on for quite a while now, and on what it means to me. It's a word I am no stranger to. In terms of 'faith' I consider myself a pretty devoted devotee =). I have woken up hours before the cold has even started to form in the eyes of our beloved morning birds in order to pray or meditate for hours and hours in silence, with chants, with bells or 7day candles (velones for my Catolicos). I attend spiritual centers, churches and ashrams in order to solidify my faith. I have given up eating deelish sweets that I just adore, drinking one sip of alcohol or one drop of soda in order to learn discipline and garner more faith. I have fasted for mornings, afternoons and even DAYS. Drinking potents and syrups and juicing in order to detoxify all the impurities I've allowed in. I even have an altar decorated with blue and yellow silk, with pearls, peacock feathers and mirrors for Ochun, a small San Miguel statue, pictures of my ancestors who have passed and spiritual books I read daily affirmations out of. Speaking of books, if you want some great life-altering books to read holla at me I can list about 25 on the spot and have read and own them all. This is All great devotion but at 30 I'm realizing it's just not enough, faith without action just isn't really faith at all. I have done all of these great things in the name of making myself a better person, making the world a better place, but I haven't put much action into this work. One of my mantras is "Step out in Faith" but the verb in that phrase has eluded me. I must STEP out in all of that faith I have cultivated. Put one foot in front of the other and just walk, one step at a time. But I haven't allowed that to come easy into my life =/.
In an efforts to 'be a better person' I'll sit in meditation for hours than go do yoga and bend my body and my soul in contorted ways to help me 'find' peace but on my commute back home from the studio I'll snap at someone on the train for some relatively random/minor act. I will get home and instead of putting my faith and action into my dissertation work and BELIEVE and affirm that I can do this degree,I'll find 1 million other things to do like nap or laligag on facebook for way too long. My mother suddenly transforms from the tiny docile amazing chef she is to (according to my ego) the most annoying, impatient, rude, boundary-stepping lady who ever walked this earth...where is my faith? I allow the fears and pain from my past to dictate what I am going to think, feel and inevitably how I am going to act. My faith tells me that I should not be a prisoner to cirucmstance, that I need to let go of the past and just STEP but I don't believe this, something inside of me doesn't feel worthy of being ALLOWED to let go of what so and so did to me, 'did you hear how she spoke to me?', 'do you know how much I gave him and he didn't give me the same back in return'...now I may be alone on this one so forgive me if it's not resonating with anyone on this site ;) it's just my truth for the moment.
Now the beautiful irony with the way faith works is that you can be that devoted devotee mentioned above. You can stand up from your half-lotus or kneeling position, slowly drift back from your meditative state, finish the last page of that amazing book and expect your life to be all Zen and for everything to fall into it's divine 'perfect' place (again, this just may be). But that's usually not how it works. You prayed for clarity and happiness and joy and God sends it to you but it may not look the way you want it to look. You have to do some spring cleaning before anything happens, you have to ACT. It seems that right after you have a beautiful spiritual moment in whatever fashion, life just says 'Here Miguelina, you have done all of this necessary work now you can handle all of this STUFF'...and the universe will send you some S T U F F! People, events, circumstances that have the potential to put you on yo you know what. You can easily fall into the victim role and cry out 'Why me God? I did all this work I deserve peace and quiet. I've asked for you to come into my life: Where are you?!'. But the thing we forget is that IS God, that is God making you stronger and better and more at peace. There is just some 'stuff' that you need to clean and sort out and the only way to get that done is to see it, to feel it. But we confuse this with punishment, or think that our faith isn't working so we don't put that necessary action into it. So we go back and start from square one, either doing the same things to build up our faith again or starting with new rituals, prayers or mantras. We go in circles instead of sitting still for a moment and then going forward, stepping out in a straight line. Or if you are anything like me you allow fear to stop you in your own tracks. We may be reluctant to step forward because maybe we are afraid. I'm sorry IIII am reluctant because I am afraid ;), I am afraid that I may not be able to complete that task, to finish that project, to Love myself enough to believe I can do whatever it is I put my mind towards, I am afraid to be hurt again. We expend energy fighting these inner battles with our fears when the battle isn't ours to fight, it's our creator's. Whoever he, she, it or they are, it is theirs. Hand it over to them in your prayers, in your devotion. Let them know that you cannot do this on your own and you need divine intervention (thanks Gri!) All of that energy that we no longer need to fight our inner battle can now be put towards something better: cleaning up the STUFF that was surfaced through our devotion.
The clean up process will look different for everyone. It can be being a bit more patient and nicer to the teenagers on the L train in the morning, it may be that class you've always wanted to take but were always making excuses (no time, no money,etc). You may need to make the painful decision of walking away from a relationship (romantic or not) that is not bringing you joy or peace OR you may need to let go of your 'perceived' fears and surrender to someone you love and loves you back. Maybe it's time to really sit with yourself and admit that you HATE your job and you need to leave and than you do just that...LEAVE! And that's where FAITH comes back in, your faith will allow you to take that necessary step knowing that God got yo back. Your faith doesn't let anything stop you from doing you, fulfilling your dreams and getting what is your God-given right: SUSTAINABLE peace and happiness. So it's a beautiful cycle of faith, action, faith again than more action...and it just keeps going and raising you up higher and higher to a lighter happier place where you belong. Not vibrating at the bottom of the barrel of life with the lower emotions, but up in the sky with the higher ones, mainly with LOVE. Love of self being the primordial one.
As I write I feel like I meditate and sit through a therapy session all at once; it helps me flesh out some STUFF in my life =) and makes things a bit clearer for me. I let my pieces morph into whatever the universe wants them to morph into. I almost never title my work until I'm almost done, this one not being an exception. The title, just like most of the material in this piece just comes to me and I share it with you all. What came to me as I wrote today is that despite all I wrote about working on our faith and developing it, we don't NEED to do all of that work to be good people or have peace enter our lives. It's wonderful, beautiful and someone in the universe is appreciative of all of your sacrifices and offerings but we don't need to perform any rituals or say any prayers in order to do or be good, it's just who we are, inherently GOOD, we just forgot. Faith is just there to remind us of who we are but more importantly WHOSE we are.
Ache
Peace
Om...
Migueluz
Friday, May 6, 2011
Un peso en el bolsillo?...A dollar in your pocket?
two+ months and i've just mustered the courage to click SUBMIT…
Friday, May 6th 4:20pm. I've decided to write this entry on a subject that is near to me more than many others: Friendship. It's a subject that I've been tested on numerous occasions during this short 2011, more than I would like to count.
It just feels like one thing after the other after the other with certain 'friends' in my life. As Dominicans eloquently put it: Cuando no estoy presa me andan buscando (When I ain't in jail, I'm a fugitive they're looking for). God really has a sense of humor because I've been sent test after test with certain 'friends' in my life. From situations that had been festering and rotting for years, to some that were relatively sudden. some with womyn i didn't even consider friends, they were dam near sistahs (all heart wrenching regardless of their 'expiration dates').
But something happened one morning, I woke up and decided that I would CHOOSE to be victorious and not victimized. I would take these situations as learning experiences; experiences for growth and love instead of balling up into a corner and crying about it (as I had been doing for days, months and weeks..too long!). I would stop being so angry and cold. I wouldn't ask "WHY ME God?" I wouldn't commit that disservice to myself.
What I did was I took that magnifying glass i had been using to scrutinize these individuals and turn it into a mirror to help me see what God was trying to show me via these experiences.
No longer just glancing, I now took a serious look at myself in the mirror of my soul and placed Miguelina smack dab in the middle of all of these situations and tried to decipher the role that I play in all of this. Yes, the other womyn in each situation are still guilty for doing or not doing, or saying or not saying certain things, but they are no longer my concern. you see,using a mirror as opposed to a magnifying lense (that form of alchemy is called FORGIVENESS) doesn't mean i no longer hold these individuals responsible, or that i 'let them off the hook'; what this simply means is that i stopped carrying all of this deadweight around and wasting so much energy on these situations and decided to expend my energy on much more productive things, things like GROWING!I do all this because i KNOW there is no coincidence that I'm in different situations regarding the same matter. I took the high road, the lonely, cold GPS-less road, but I hear it's the most rewarding.
Now I'm not complaining and getting worked up about other people….well not as as much at least(i'm still a work in progress ya'll), i'm trying to do much more productive (and harder) things with this situation (and ignoring it isn't one of them). I've had to sit with myself and do something that I never thought I would ever have to: re-evaluate my friendships, the role I play in their lives and the ones they play in mine. I had to weigh the pros with the cons and evaluate whether certain people were assets or debts in my life. I felt cold, 'corporate', as if I was having an outer body experience. I'm learning that this sense of alienation is normal, it happens when you do something new. I HAD to. I learned that if you are doing the same thing and obtaining the same results (results that you are not happy with) than you have to start doing something new. And at times this can be uncomfy and hard, but needed.
As I thought about friends and 'foes' and prayed and cried and pretended not to care, than I cared too much, all I thought of was my mother and her age-old saying "Un amigo es un peso en el bolsillo" (A friend is a dollar in your pocket). My mother was never fond of this notion of 'friends'. She felt that a friend was a mother, a sister (especially a twin one like I had), but not a 'stranger' never! My mother is not an ignorant, 'dumb' sistah, she was coming from a place of experience, she was just trying to protect her cubs. She was coming from a place where she was born in the 40's in a rural (SUPER rural) town in the DR where she was the youngest of 10. Where she never needed friends because between her siblings and her cousins she didn't need them (and the same goes for the other Dominican sistas I've spoken to about this same topic). She is coming from a communal society, not an individualist one with the nuclear family (mom, dad, dog and 2.5 kids: your dog is considered family before a 3rd cousin or a great-aunt. no offense to my dog lovers/owners). My mom and her generation from the DR (not all, but most) just feel that friends are unnecessary, lead you astray and will only end up hurting you (or taking yo man…that's for a later entry) in the long run.
But I worked HARD to break that thought process. I worked my lil butt off to show my mom that there were many exceptions to her rule. I helped her realize that she had raised us with enough integrity and values that helped us become womyn who would become loyal friends and that I wouldn't like it if my friend's moms were comparing me and my friendship to a dollar bill in someone's pocket.
Gris and I worked hard and prayed for and attracted some exceptional womyn into our lives, friends we've had since we were 8 years old (smile!!) to ones that we made during our graduate careers, but all AMIGAS! My mom slowly began to let her guard down to the point where now she is asking for those of you she hasn't seen or heard about in months or years. She LOVES each of you who consider her child a friend. She may not know your name or your language but via some adjectives, physical attributes or country of origin she knows who you are.
So after working hard to convince my mother to give friendships a shot and to trust her daughters the roles have now reversed. I am the one waving the dollar bill and shoving it into my pocket, I am the one feeling a certain way because there is a slight possibility that mami was right, wasn't she?
But although I am hurt, I'm not bitter, I'm not angry, I am just growing. As already mentioned, I've decided to take the long road, to actually let my heart grow and love and nurture those relationships I do have left. I've realized that the whole 'Reason, Season, Lifetime' mantra we all know so well is actually true, I am not immune to it- I'm simply human. I am learning that God ain't never give me nothing I can't bear. And if I'm here it's because the most high knows I am equipped to handle the situation and to soar from it, not wither and die.
I am learning who I am as a 'friend'. I am learning that having a twin sister in relation to friendship with other womyn has been a gift and a 'curse'. The gift is that it's made me a very self-less person; someone who is not only willing but eager to share many things with friends: from my feelings, my corny long-winded jokes, my fashion-tips (ericka my first real client!), my family, my other friends...myself!! But on the flip side having a twin sister has made it so that I think that I can have the same relationship with friends that I've had with Gris. One where we used to beat each other up physically, verbally, mentally and 5 minutes later invite the other to play super nintendo and pick up as if nothing had happened. One where I am comfortable enough to tell her how I feel about her--straight gully! No hair on my tounge and know that she knows it's coming from a place of love and it will only make us stronger as a unit. Not everyone has the same conditioning and may not have that tough skin that having siblings offers you, especially those of the same sex. Some people are not ready to hear the 'truth' or what I think is the 'truth' about them. I've learned that not everything that comes to my mind needs to be said, especially if it's said with the sassy, sharp tounge that I am oh so famous for =/.
What has also been revealed to me is that because of those dynamics mentioned above I can easily allow people to walk all over me; I can easily make up with anyone because that is how I learned to love my first and only best friend, Gris. It can lead me to stick around long after a friendship's role has been fulfilled. These are all painful and shocking revelations but simultaneously liberating.
Expectations are a mother...they are what lead to a relationships' demise. We expect people to love us the way we want to be loved, instead of letting them love us the way they know how to love. We say: 'well i did this and this and I expect the same from so and so' and when so and so doesn't meet those expectations (usually unrealistic ones) she automatically becomes questionable and unloyal.
God has taught me that I must let go and let her/him/them lead my path. that i cannot fathom god's capacity to handle our situations, capacities that lead to solutions that our heart and minds aren't capable of conjuring up. i've learned to sit still and stop trying. trying just ends up hurting me more, making me almost jaded and i do not want that.
one month away from being 30 i'm learning that if you don't love yourself you really truly cannot love someone else. and loving yourself doesn't mean you are 'successful' (especially in the western form: an education, job, a partner, a fancy car, a house and money). loving yourself doesn't only mean you pamper yourself, and get manis and pedis and buy yourself the latest gear. loving yourself doens't even mean you visit church on a regular.
loving yourself means taking a look at yourself in that mirror in your soul, at ALLLL of your perfect imperfections and being OK with yourself exactly where you are in life. it doesn't mean you manipulate situations, ideas and even people to get your way. lieing won't get you any closer to that true love, only the WHOLE TRUTH will.
life has taught me that if you cannot accept yourself as you are and if you are lying to yourself about where you are and doing ugly things to get to where you think you should be, could've been, would've been… than that only means you will never accept me and my imperfections.
what i am working through right now is : do i accept someone KNOWING who they really are because they have been my 'friend' (especially those who have been my friend for so long?) or do i gracefully bow out and take the lessons with me? The word that comes to mind as i ponder all of this is: loyalty? where is mine? but at the same time i am thinking of another 'ty' word…SANITY? and mine is priceless
in my meantime, as i work through this and grow, the mantra radiating from the depths of my first chakra via my 5th one is...
TO THY OWN-SELF BE TRUE!!
Friday, May 6th 4:20pm. I've decided to write this entry on a subject that is near to me more than many others: Friendship. It's a subject that I've been tested on numerous occasions during this short 2011, more than I would like to count.
It just feels like one thing after the other after the other with certain 'friends' in my life. As Dominicans eloquently put it: Cuando no estoy presa me andan buscando (When I ain't in jail, I'm a fugitive they're looking for). God really has a sense of humor because I've been sent test after test with certain 'friends' in my life. From situations that had been festering and rotting for years, to some that were relatively sudden. some with womyn i didn't even consider friends, they were dam near sistahs (all heart wrenching regardless of their 'expiration dates').
But something happened one morning, I woke up and decided that I would CHOOSE to be victorious and not victimized. I would take these situations as learning experiences; experiences for growth and love instead of balling up into a corner and crying about it (as I had been doing for days, months and weeks..too long!). I would stop being so angry and cold. I wouldn't ask "WHY ME God?" I wouldn't commit that disservice to myself.
What I did was I took that magnifying glass i had been using to scrutinize these individuals and turn it into a mirror to help me see what God was trying to show me via these experiences.
No longer just glancing, I now took a serious look at myself in the mirror of my soul and placed Miguelina smack dab in the middle of all of these situations and tried to decipher the role that I play in all of this. Yes, the other womyn in each situation are still guilty for doing or not doing, or saying or not saying certain things, but they are no longer my concern. you see,using a mirror as opposed to a magnifying lense (that form of alchemy is called FORGIVENESS) doesn't mean i no longer hold these individuals responsible, or that i 'let them off the hook'; what this simply means is that i stopped carrying all of this deadweight around and wasting so much energy on these situations and decided to expend my energy on much more productive things, things like GROWING!I do all this because i KNOW there is no coincidence that I'm in different situations regarding the same matter. I took the high road, the lonely, cold GPS-less road, but I hear it's the most rewarding.
Now I'm not complaining and getting worked up about other people….well not as as much at least(i'm still a work in progress ya'll), i'm trying to do much more productive (and harder) things with this situation (and ignoring it isn't one of them). I've had to sit with myself and do something that I never thought I would ever have to: re-evaluate my friendships, the role I play in their lives and the ones they play in mine. I had to weigh the pros with the cons and evaluate whether certain people were assets or debts in my life. I felt cold, 'corporate', as if I was having an outer body experience. I'm learning that this sense of alienation is normal, it happens when you do something new. I HAD to. I learned that if you are doing the same thing and obtaining the same results (results that you are not happy with) than you have to start doing something new. And at times this can be uncomfy and hard, but needed.
As I thought about friends and 'foes' and prayed and cried and pretended not to care, than I cared too much, all I thought of was my mother and her age-old saying "Un amigo es un peso en el bolsillo" (A friend is a dollar in your pocket). My mother was never fond of this notion of 'friends'. She felt that a friend was a mother, a sister (especially a twin one like I had), but not a 'stranger' never! My mother is not an ignorant, 'dumb' sistah, she was coming from a place of experience, she was just trying to protect her cubs. She was coming from a place where she was born in the 40's in a rural (SUPER rural) town in the DR where she was the youngest of 10. Where she never needed friends because between her siblings and her cousins she didn't need them (and the same goes for the other Dominican sistas I've spoken to about this same topic). She is coming from a communal society, not an individualist one with the nuclear family (mom, dad, dog and 2.5 kids: your dog is considered family before a 3rd cousin or a great-aunt. no offense to my dog lovers/owners). My mom and her generation from the DR (not all, but most) just feel that friends are unnecessary, lead you astray and will only end up hurting you (or taking yo man…that's for a later entry) in the long run.
But I worked HARD to break that thought process. I worked my lil butt off to show my mom that there were many exceptions to her rule. I helped her realize that she had raised us with enough integrity and values that helped us become womyn who would become loyal friends and that I wouldn't like it if my friend's moms were comparing me and my friendship to a dollar bill in someone's pocket.
Gris and I worked hard and prayed for and attracted some exceptional womyn into our lives, friends we've had since we were 8 years old (smile!!) to ones that we made during our graduate careers, but all AMIGAS! My mom slowly began to let her guard down to the point where now she is asking for those of you she hasn't seen or heard about in months or years. She LOVES each of you who consider her child a friend. She may not know your name or your language but via some adjectives, physical attributes or country of origin she knows who you are.
So after working hard to convince my mother to give friendships a shot and to trust her daughters the roles have now reversed. I am the one waving the dollar bill and shoving it into my pocket, I am the one feeling a certain way because there is a slight possibility that mami was right, wasn't she?
But although I am hurt, I'm not bitter, I'm not angry, I am just growing. As already mentioned, I've decided to take the long road, to actually let my heart grow and love and nurture those relationships I do have left. I've realized that the whole 'Reason, Season, Lifetime' mantra we all know so well is actually true, I am not immune to it- I'm simply human. I am learning that God ain't never give me nothing I can't bear. And if I'm here it's because the most high knows I am equipped to handle the situation and to soar from it, not wither and die.
I am learning who I am as a 'friend'. I am learning that having a twin sister in relation to friendship with other womyn has been a gift and a 'curse'. The gift is that it's made me a very self-less person; someone who is not only willing but eager to share many things with friends: from my feelings, my corny long-winded jokes, my fashion-tips (ericka my first real client!), my family, my other friends...myself!! But on the flip side having a twin sister has made it so that I think that I can have the same relationship with friends that I've had with Gris. One where we used to beat each other up physically, verbally, mentally and 5 minutes later invite the other to play super nintendo and pick up as if nothing had happened. One where I am comfortable enough to tell her how I feel about her--straight gully! No hair on my tounge and know that she knows it's coming from a place of love and it will only make us stronger as a unit. Not everyone has the same conditioning and may not have that tough skin that having siblings offers you, especially those of the same sex. Some people are not ready to hear the 'truth' or what I think is the 'truth' about them. I've learned that not everything that comes to my mind needs to be said, especially if it's said with the sassy, sharp tounge that I am oh so famous for =/.
What has also been revealed to me is that because of those dynamics mentioned above I can easily allow people to walk all over me; I can easily make up with anyone because that is how I learned to love my first and only best friend, Gris. It can lead me to stick around long after a friendship's role has been fulfilled. These are all painful and shocking revelations but simultaneously liberating.
Expectations are a mother...they are what lead to a relationships' demise. We expect people to love us the way we want to be loved, instead of letting them love us the way they know how to love. We say: 'well i did this and this and I expect the same from so and so' and when so and so doesn't meet those expectations (usually unrealistic ones) she automatically becomes questionable and unloyal.
God has taught me that I must let go and let her/him/them lead my path. that i cannot fathom god's capacity to handle our situations, capacities that lead to solutions that our heart and minds aren't capable of conjuring up. i've learned to sit still and stop trying. trying just ends up hurting me more, making me almost jaded and i do not want that.
one month away from being 30 i'm learning that if you don't love yourself you really truly cannot love someone else. and loving yourself doesn't mean you are 'successful' (especially in the western form: an education, job, a partner, a fancy car, a house and money). loving yourself doesn't only mean you pamper yourself, and get manis and pedis and buy yourself the latest gear. loving yourself doens't even mean you visit church on a regular.
loving yourself means taking a look at yourself in that mirror in your soul, at ALLLL of your perfect imperfections and being OK with yourself exactly where you are in life. it doesn't mean you manipulate situations, ideas and even people to get your way. lieing won't get you any closer to that true love, only the WHOLE TRUTH will.
life has taught me that if you cannot accept yourself as you are and if you are lying to yourself about where you are and doing ugly things to get to where you think you should be, could've been, would've been… than that only means you will never accept me and my imperfections.
what i am working through right now is : do i accept someone KNOWING who they really are because they have been my 'friend' (especially those who have been my friend for so long?) or do i gracefully bow out and take the lessons with me? The word that comes to mind as i ponder all of this is: loyalty? where is mine? but at the same time i am thinking of another 'ty' word…SANITY? and mine is priceless
in my meantime, as i work through this and grow, the mantra radiating from the depths of my first chakra via my 5th one is...
TO THY OWN-SELF BE TRUE!!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
dar a luz (give light)...
Paz.
Out of ALL the things I had been brainstorming about, abortion was not even a thought in my heart nor in my mind when trying to come up with new blog entries for this new year we were blessed with. but the billboard that was plastered up on soho and all the chatter and back and forth that came along with it led me to write about such a sensitive subject (one that i seldom opinionate on,for many reasons...until now).
my gods, guides and angels have protected me thus far and i haven't had to even consider the thought of an abortion, thank you most high. i don't know if it was the boring a#% sex-ed course i took in the 11th grade, the fact that i kept my virginity until a relatively later age than most sistahs around my way or the sheer fear that dominga torres and fransico rodriguez would strike in my heart every time they would attempt to have 'the' talk with gris and i. (btw: that talk consisted of my mom or my dad reminding us that if we decided to open our legs to any little boy that we would have to come home and pack our ish and move in with him because they weren't about to be raising no 'women' in their house. This was only about having sex, they didn't even tell us what they'd do to us if we came out pregnant while living at home) no talk about condoms, birth control pills just abstinence (old school dominican campo abstinence). but whatever it was, it 'worked'.
or maybe i was just 'lucky' - and given the stats I'm feeling that way right about now:
41% of New York babies are aborted, with the percentage even higher in the Bronx and among African-Americans.
When you break this down by race for 2010:
Blacks have a 59.8% abortion rate.
Hispanics have a 41.3% abortion rate.
Asians have a 22.7% abortion rate.
And non-Hispanic Whites have a 20.4% abortion rate.
These numbers are alarming, my womb hurts just from reading them.
But...although these numbers are disturbing, they still do not lead me to caste any judgment of my sistahs who are opting to have an abortion. the situation is complicated and multifaceted, simply saying you are PRO CHOICE or PRO LIFE is not that easy and judging sistahs will not make these numbers disappear, it won't even make them decrease.
I am not saying I am PRO CHOICE. At the end of the day you are killing a being, period. I will not try to sugar coat it, nor will I try to minimize the fetus to a sheer 'thing' when I know it has a soul and had a whole other life (or lives) prior to this one that is about to be taken away.
But...I am not PRO LIFE. I am not about to be up in no one's face telling them they are 'wrong' for aborting their fetus, or that they shouldn't. Personally, some PRO LIFEers have a lot of nerve ESPECIALLY when most of these folk do not have wombs and will never carry a child: MEN!!
There is one thing to try to educate our folk or to try to get to the bottom of those numbers listed above (something NO ONE is doing at this point). But when you are pointing fingers, even if done so subtly, or plastering an offensive, insensitive, racist, sexist and CRUEL billboard in white-ass SOHO, than I just have to start 'caring' enough to speak up on abortion.
As I reiterated on my FB post: I know there is trouble in our communities, these numbers do NOT lie. I am a social science researcher and I understand that numbers speak volumes. We are in trouble and we need to get ourselves out of this situation, not point fingers and worry about who is doing what with their placenta: that is step B, we aren't even focusing on step A.
Now some of us sistahs need to sit back and reflect on some of the decisions we make in our lives. Some are using abortions as a contraceptive, like "Oops, I effed up, gotta 'take care' of this" and that is not the way it should be used. I know that a few of us (I was going to say MOST but I'm trying to be sensitive and P.C. here) know sistahs who have had multiple abortions (and multiple don't have to mean 5, TWO is multiple, TWO too many-and if you are younger than 21, that TWO feels like 22). Some of ya wanted the child but the daddy refused to take care of it, so you 'took care of it' and made a decision with your mind not your heart. Some are in a place in their lives where an extra mouth to feed would be detrimental not only to you and the rest of your family, but to that child that will suffer in your hands. Some just simply are not 'ready' for a child in their lives. and i KNOW they should've thought about that before making the decision to have sex(IF it was consented sex, that's a whole different entry), we need to worry about the cause and not place 100% of our attention on the effect.
In my personal experience with Dominga and her version of the 'birds and the bees' I can see how I could have been led by fear to abort my child. Fear that I would be adorned with the burning "A" on my chest forever. Fear that I would be disowned by my loved ones. My mother is using a sex education framework that is not only outdated but it's out of context. Not only is my mother from a different generation but she is from a different country, lifestyle, set of values, etc. Here she is with the 'simple' campo mentality in a world that promotes sex, where some children are taught about their bodies at a young age, something my mom thought was absurd and would only lead to sex.
Let me give you a prime example of how 'deep' this issue runs:
In the 6th grade the girls in our grade were taken down to the auditorium and shown a quick video on menstruating. They showed us how our reproductive organs and the menstrual cycle worked, at approximately what age we should expect it and how to care for yourself when you do get your 'friend'. I was blushing and a bit embarrassed because my family never really spoke to me about my 'friend'. I don't know how I knew about it, but I knew what menstruating was, what I did know was that I hadn't learned it from my family and that you don't speak about it in public. But there were my ovaries and fallopian tubes plastered on a huge screen at P.S. 81.
As if I wasn't red enough, the lady pulls out a shiny blue box and delicately places it in my hands: tampons! I wanted to die. I don't know exactly why the embarrassment but I do know why the fear in my racing heart. I knew that if I got home with these Dominga would kick my ass. I remember hiding them for months and fearing that I would come home from school one day and find Dominga with the blue box in one hand and the plastic Dominican chancleta in the other, ready to whoop my behind. At that age, I want my daughters to feel like they can speak to me about what they just heard (not 'learned' because I would have hopefully spoken to them by that age) and that we can sit and have a conversation (not a lecture) about menstruating, and tampons vs. kotex. But I didn't feel like I had any rapport with my mom in terms of ANY 'sex' education, not even menstruating.
That lil story goes to show how deeply rooted this lack of sex education is. My family felt it was 'taboo' to discuss menstruating to their 11 year old daughters who would inevitably begin their cycle, let alone discuss condoms or birth control.
I say all this not to caste any responsibility away from anyone, nor to minimize the fact that abortions suck. But to hopefully get you all to think about ALL the parties involved in this situation, not just the fetus.
Those of us who have never had to go through an abortion cannot even fathom how hard it must be for that mother to go through with this process. The physical, psychological and emotional scars must run deep. What about the father's who do care enough to stick around? Those who suffer the emotional and psychological effects along with the mother?
Family, I honestly do not know where I'm going with this entry, I am truly writing from my heart. Very little editing, just typing. Again, I am not one to opinionate much about this topic but today my guides led me to sit and share my story, a story (hopefully a 'neutral' one) with you all who care to read it.
Or maybe it was because at the age of 40 an illegal immigrant in this country with very little family here never fathomed that she could get pregnant at the age of 40, but she did. this was in the 80s and to be pregnant at 40 was almost unheard of. She was lost confused and the only way she thought she could get out of that situation was by aborting her fetuSES...thank god the babies father and the sistah's heavenly father were there to help her remember that she was strong enough to go through with this and trust me, Gris and I are happy that my mom did.
I completely understand why my mom was thinking about it, I really do... but I'm glad she decided to dar a luz (give light) to this dark world...
The world isn't so 'black and white' nor 'Pro THIS and Pro THAT'...member that.
LUZ!
Out of ALL the things I had been brainstorming about, abortion was not even a thought in my heart nor in my mind when trying to come up with new blog entries for this new year we were blessed with. but the billboard that was plastered up on soho and all the chatter and back and forth that came along with it led me to write about such a sensitive subject (one that i seldom opinionate on,for many reasons...until now).
my gods, guides and angels have protected me thus far and i haven't had to even consider the thought of an abortion, thank you most high. i don't know if it was the boring a#% sex-ed course i took in the 11th grade, the fact that i kept my virginity until a relatively later age than most sistahs around my way or the sheer fear that dominga torres and fransico rodriguez would strike in my heart every time they would attempt to have 'the' talk with gris and i. (btw: that talk consisted of my mom or my dad reminding us that if we decided to open our legs to any little boy that we would have to come home and pack our ish and move in with him because they weren't about to be raising no 'women' in their house. This was only about having sex, they didn't even tell us what they'd do to us if we came out pregnant while living at home) no talk about condoms, birth control pills just abstinence (old school dominican campo abstinence). but whatever it was, it 'worked'.
or maybe i was just 'lucky' - and given the stats I'm feeling that way right about now:
41% of New York babies are aborted, with the percentage even higher in the Bronx and among African-Americans.
When you break this down by race for 2010:
Blacks have a 59.8% abortion rate.
Hispanics have a 41.3% abortion rate.
Asians have a 22.7% abortion rate.
And non-Hispanic Whites have a 20.4% abortion rate.
These numbers are alarming, my womb hurts just from reading them.
But...although these numbers are disturbing, they still do not lead me to caste any judgment of my sistahs who are opting to have an abortion. the situation is complicated and multifaceted, simply saying you are PRO CHOICE or PRO LIFE is not that easy and judging sistahs will not make these numbers disappear, it won't even make them decrease.
I am not saying I am PRO CHOICE. At the end of the day you are killing a being, period. I will not try to sugar coat it, nor will I try to minimize the fetus to a sheer 'thing' when I know it has a soul and had a whole other life (or lives) prior to this one that is about to be taken away.
But...I am not PRO LIFE. I am not about to be up in no one's face telling them they are 'wrong' for aborting their fetus, or that they shouldn't. Personally, some PRO LIFEers have a lot of nerve ESPECIALLY when most of these folk do not have wombs and will never carry a child: MEN!!
There is one thing to try to educate our folk or to try to get to the bottom of those numbers listed above (something NO ONE is doing at this point). But when you are pointing fingers, even if done so subtly, or plastering an offensive, insensitive, racist, sexist and CRUEL billboard in white-ass SOHO, than I just have to start 'caring' enough to speak up on abortion.
As I reiterated on my FB post: I know there is trouble in our communities, these numbers do NOT lie. I am a social science researcher and I understand that numbers speak volumes. We are in trouble and we need to get ourselves out of this situation, not point fingers and worry about who is doing what with their placenta: that is step B, we aren't even focusing on step A.
Now some of us sistahs need to sit back and reflect on some of the decisions we make in our lives. Some are using abortions as a contraceptive, like "Oops, I effed up, gotta 'take care' of this" and that is not the way it should be used. I know that a few of us (I was going to say MOST but I'm trying to be sensitive and P.C. here) know sistahs who have had multiple abortions (and multiple don't have to mean 5, TWO is multiple, TWO too many-and if you are younger than 21, that TWO feels like 22). Some of ya wanted the child but the daddy refused to take care of it, so you 'took care of it' and made a decision with your mind not your heart. Some are in a place in their lives where an extra mouth to feed would be detrimental not only to you and the rest of your family, but to that child that will suffer in your hands. Some just simply are not 'ready' for a child in their lives. and i KNOW they should've thought about that before making the decision to have sex(IF it was consented sex, that's a whole different entry), we need to worry about the cause and not place 100% of our attention on the effect.
In my personal experience with Dominga and her version of the 'birds and the bees' I can see how I could have been led by fear to abort my child. Fear that I would be adorned with the burning "A" on my chest forever. Fear that I would be disowned by my loved ones. My mother is using a sex education framework that is not only outdated but it's out of context. Not only is my mother from a different generation but she is from a different country, lifestyle, set of values, etc. Here she is with the 'simple' campo mentality in a world that promotes sex, where some children are taught about their bodies at a young age, something my mom thought was absurd and would only lead to sex.
Let me give you a prime example of how 'deep' this issue runs:
In the 6th grade the girls in our grade were taken down to the auditorium and shown a quick video on menstruating. They showed us how our reproductive organs and the menstrual cycle worked, at approximately what age we should expect it and how to care for yourself when you do get your 'friend'. I was blushing and a bit embarrassed because my family never really spoke to me about my 'friend'. I don't know how I knew about it, but I knew what menstruating was, what I did know was that I hadn't learned it from my family and that you don't speak about it in public. But there were my ovaries and fallopian tubes plastered on a huge screen at P.S. 81.
As if I wasn't red enough, the lady pulls out a shiny blue box and delicately places it in my hands: tampons! I wanted to die. I don't know exactly why the embarrassment but I do know why the fear in my racing heart. I knew that if I got home with these Dominga would kick my ass. I remember hiding them for months and fearing that I would come home from school one day and find Dominga with the blue box in one hand and the plastic Dominican chancleta in the other, ready to whoop my behind. At that age, I want my daughters to feel like they can speak to me about what they just heard (not 'learned' because I would have hopefully spoken to them by that age) and that we can sit and have a conversation (not a lecture) about menstruating, and tampons vs. kotex. But I didn't feel like I had any rapport with my mom in terms of ANY 'sex' education, not even menstruating.
That lil story goes to show how deeply rooted this lack of sex education is. My family felt it was 'taboo' to discuss menstruating to their 11 year old daughters who would inevitably begin their cycle, let alone discuss condoms or birth control.
I say all this not to caste any responsibility away from anyone, nor to minimize the fact that abortions suck. But to hopefully get you all to think about ALL the parties involved in this situation, not just the fetus.
Those of us who have never had to go through an abortion cannot even fathom how hard it must be for that mother to go through with this process. The physical, psychological and emotional scars must run deep. What about the father's who do care enough to stick around? Those who suffer the emotional and psychological effects along with the mother?
Family, I honestly do not know where I'm going with this entry, I am truly writing from my heart. Very little editing, just typing. Again, I am not one to opinionate much about this topic but today my guides led me to sit and share my story, a story (hopefully a 'neutral' one) with you all who care to read it.
Or maybe it was because at the age of 40 an illegal immigrant in this country with very little family here never fathomed that she could get pregnant at the age of 40, but she did. this was in the 80s and to be pregnant at 40 was almost unheard of. She was lost confused and the only way she thought she could get out of that situation was by aborting her fetuSES...thank god the babies father and the sistah's heavenly father were there to help her remember that she was strong enough to go through with this and trust me, Gris and I are happy that my mom did.
I completely understand why my mom was thinking about it, I really do... but I'm glad she decided to dar a luz (give light) to this dark world...
The world isn't so 'black and white' nor 'Pro THIS and Pro THAT'...member that.
LUZ!
Friday, July 23, 2010
an inspiration to many
an inspiration to many, but a 'failure' to one. so many look up to me while i frown upon myself. i'm never good enough for myself while my advice is good enough to get folks up and out of their seat, the irony huh?
the optimism i offer most seems to hide from shame when I need a little bit of it for myself.
but where did this all come from? why won't it go away? when will i be 'ready' to accept ALL of my good?...
limbo has become second nature to me but no matter how much i pray , cry and affirm, i always seem to come back right here, to a cozy corner in the living room of life with my cozy armchair, my fuzzy socks and my warm blanket, too afraid to brave the cold that awaits us all in the world.
maybe one day i'll garner up enough courage to start and finish my proposal, or take that one last set of exams. or maybe i'll even be brave enough to stand in front of a class, not an academic one, but a yoga one, and TEACH! who knows if i can even surrender and accept ALL of the love i receive from my mami, sister, friends and my partner. but for now i'll keep 'fighting' and worrying and reminding myself that it's never enough, i'm lazy and will not meet the deadline. i'll stay in fuzzy socks, even if it's 99 degrees out, who cares? =p
from my soul to yours
ache
the optimism i offer most seems to hide from shame when I need a little bit of it for myself.
but where did this all come from? why won't it go away? when will i be 'ready' to accept ALL of my good?...
limbo has become second nature to me but no matter how much i pray , cry and affirm, i always seem to come back right here, to a cozy corner in the living room of life with my cozy armchair, my fuzzy socks and my warm blanket, too afraid to brave the cold that awaits us all in the world.
maybe one day i'll garner up enough courage to start and finish my proposal, or take that one last set of exams. or maybe i'll even be brave enough to stand in front of a class, not an academic one, but a yoga one, and TEACH! who knows if i can even surrender and accept ALL of the love i receive from my mami, sister, friends and my partner. but for now i'll keep 'fighting' and worrying and reminding myself that it's never enough, i'm lazy and will not meet the deadline. i'll stay in fuzzy socks, even if it's 99 degrees out, who cares? =p
from my soul to yours
ache
Sunday, April 4, 2010
it's 10:40pm, easter sunday and I'm still up. although i have a HUGE day mañana: my 'closer' by goapele alarm tune will go off at exactly 6:40- i'm still up...why do you ask? because my extremely dominican neighbors felt as if christ's resurrection was way more than enough reason to celebrate and blast their sound system until 10:41pm on a sunday evening. between the acordian, güira, and tambor miguelina grits her teeth, exhales (in that passive aggressive kinda way) and rolls her eyes. why?!?! why do WE insist on listening to our music wayyy past the healthy level? past the respectful one as well? and it's not only dominicans- my trini neighbors across the way, my former african-american neighbors in new lots as well...why? not only is it dangerous for our hearing but it's also kinda rude if you ask me. who told you i want to listen to your güiri güiri or your bunké bunké (the sounds my family makes whenever they mock 'english' music)? it's 10:44pm, sunday evening and a 'special' one at that, it's the sunday evening before a lot of folks go back to work after a week-long vaca. 'smart' folks try to be in bed by now, so that the wrestling match between your body and the covers tomorrow morning doesn't leave you feeling like rick flair and rowdy rowdy piper layed a 'the rock' smack down on you (d.c. '09) ;)...
but does this make me bougie in any way? does the fact that el torito, machel montana, or biggie's voices breaking in through my window, sitting on my bed like an uninvited (annoying) guest makes me wanna beat somebody's ass make me less dominican, or caribbean or from bk?
am i not dominican enough because i don't believe that a baby's birthday party should involve a 6-speaker sound system, contracted dj, 3 gallons of johnnie and a reception that starts at 8pm? or because i refuse to scream across the table during a mother's day dinner because my cousin's husband decided he wanted to show off his brand new sound system (which is almost always more tweeter than anything else)?
my tolerance for this type of s#$# is just slowly eroding. maybe it's my educational level, my travel's around the world or the slight increase in income...or maybe my behind is just getting old..not sure, but it's 10:56pm and tito swing is slowly breaking in through my window, lemme call the cops on this m$#$#@#$@#!!!
just being honest mi gente...
but does this make me bougie in any way? does the fact that el torito, machel montana, or biggie's voices breaking in through my window, sitting on my bed like an uninvited (annoying) guest makes me wanna beat somebody's ass make me less dominican, or caribbean or from bk?
am i not dominican enough because i don't believe that a baby's birthday party should involve a 6-speaker sound system, contracted dj, 3 gallons of johnnie and a reception that starts at 8pm? or because i refuse to scream across the table during a mother's day dinner because my cousin's husband decided he wanted to show off his brand new sound system (which is almost always more tweeter than anything else)?
my tolerance for this type of s#$# is just slowly eroding. maybe it's my educational level, my travel's around the world or the slight increase in income...or maybe my behind is just getting old..not sure, but it's 10:56pm and tito swing is slowly breaking in through my window, lemme call the cops on this m$#$#@#$@#!!!
just being honest mi gente...
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