it's 10:40pm, easter sunday and I'm still up. although i have a HUGE day mañana: my 'closer' by goapele alarm tune will go off at exactly 6:40- i'm still up...why do you ask? because my extremely dominican neighbors felt as if christ's resurrection was way more than enough reason to celebrate and blast their sound system until 10:41pm on a sunday evening. between the acordian, güira, and tambor miguelina grits her teeth, exhales (in that passive aggressive kinda way) and rolls her eyes. why?!?! why do WE insist on listening to our music wayyy past the healthy level? past the respectful one as well? and it's not only dominicans- my trini neighbors across the way, my former african-american neighbors in new lots as well...why? not only is it dangerous for our hearing but it's also kinda rude if you ask me. who told you i want to listen to your güiri güiri or your bunké bunké (the sounds my family makes whenever they mock 'english' music)? it's 10:44pm, sunday evening and a 'special' one at that, it's the sunday evening before a lot of folks go back to work after a week-long vaca. 'smart' folks try to be in bed by now, so that the wrestling match between your body and the covers tomorrow morning doesn't leave you feeling like rick flair and rowdy rowdy piper layed a 'the rock' smack down on you (d.c. '09) ;)...
but does this make me bougie in any way? does the fact that el torito, machel montana, or biggie's voices breaking in through my window, sitting on my bed like an uninvited (annoying) guest makes me wanna beat somebody's ass make me less dominican, or caribbean or from bk?
am i not dominican enough because i don't believe that a baby's birthday party should involve a 6-speaker sound system, contracted dj, 3 gallons of johnnie and a reception that starts at 8pm? or because i refuse to scream across the table during a mother's day dinner because my cousin's husband decided he wanted to show off his brand new sound system (which is almost always more tweeter than anything else)?
my tolerance for this type of s#$# is just slowly eroding. maybe it's my educational level, my travel's around the world or the slight increase in income...or maybe my behind is just getting old..not sure, but it's 10:56pm and tito swing is slowly breaking in through my window, lemme call the cops on this m$#$#@#$@#!!!
just being honest mi gente...
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Am I A Poet?
Am I a poet?
I wear dark, pin-stripped pants to work in my flourescent-lit office.
I prepare PowerPoint presentations to present at scholarly conferences and not literary competitions.
I'm surrounded by professors and research analyst and not novelist nor thespians.
My writing doesn't rhyme, I've never written a haiku and it's not even short,so I definitely can't be a poet.
Although my left nostril is pierced, I don't adorn any tattoos (I'm not one of those 'free spirited' poets, I'm wayyy too picky and I get tired of looking at the same thing all day). My hair is curly but it's not as 'strong' as that of poets who lock their passion in every strand of hair and refer to those words when they get a very unusual case of writer's block, which I swear I'm cursed with so I am no poet.
But am I really a poet?
I write for me, from my heart to the heart of my journal. I believe that beauty can be found in any and everything and one on this realm.
Instead of my yoga mat being a plain ole' orange one, it becomes my deserted island, my safe haven where I only reside, I make and 'bend' the rules.
My walk to my 'poet-less' job in the morning becomes my daily mantra, giving thanks for all that was, is and will be in my life. I give thanks for what I had, who I am, and what shall be. Every step is transformed into a song and dance of gratitude to the most high ( I love rainy days in particular: the tapping on my umbrella transforms my melody into a staccato). They say when you sing you pray twice =).
The scent of coco butter reminds me of summer, that of Maja brand foundation reminds me of my mother and the smell of an industrial dryer whisk me to a crisp fall morning.
So am I a poet?
A poet I am
I'm just a poet
or I just am
I wear dark, pin-stripped pants to work in my flourescent-lit office.
I prepare PowerPoint presentations to present at scholarly conferences and not literary competitions.
I'm surrounded by professors and research analyst and not novelist nor thespians.
My writing doesn't rhyme, I've never written a haiku and it's not even short,so I definitely can't be a poet.
Although my left nostril is pierced, I don't adorn any tattoos (I'm not one of those 'free spirited' poets, I'm wayyy too picky and I get tired of looking at the same thing all day). My hair is curly but it's not as 'strong' as that of poets who lock their passion in every strand of hair and refer to those words when they get a very unusual case of writer's block, which I swear I'm cursed with so I am no poet.
But am I really a poet?
I write for me, from my heart to the heart of my journal. I believe that beauty can be found in any and everything and one on this realm.
Instead of my yoga mat being a plain ole' orange one, it becomes my deserted island, my safe haven where I only reside, I make and 'bend' the rules.
My walk to my 'poet-less' job in the morning becomes my daily mantra, giving thanks for all that was, is and will be in my life. I give thanks for what I had, who I am, and what shall be. Every step is transformed into a song and dance of gratitude to the most high ( I love rainy days in particular: the tapping on my umbrella transforms my melody into a staccato). They say when you sing you pray twice =).
The scent of coco butter reminds me of summer, that of Maja brand foundation reminds me of my mother and the smell of an industrial dryer whisk me to a crisp fall morning.
So am I a poet?
A poet I am
I'm just a poet
or I just am
Thursday, February 25, 2010
outgrowing my veils
growing in place (the tentative title of this entry...we'll see where this goes by the time i finish)...
this piece was written earlier this year. it's been sitting in my unpublished folder and i just found the courage to publish and share it.
enjoy!
thursday evening, a snowy, slushy, i wanna stay in my sweat pants, messy hair and oversized socks day: thank you most high for days like these, days of nothingness but filled with so much. so much gratitude and peace and just stillness.
i woke up this morning with the urge to write, not sure about what, or why, but i just felt like writing. i even almost started that book i know i'll someday write, but then i saw the nutella and the breadsticks and i turned to them and moved my bookwriting to the bottom of my list: sometimes it's my academic writing, at times my computer, today the nutella.
i've been feeling a bit anxious lately, i just feel like nothing is never enough according to me (or is that my ego?), the work that i do, the love that i get, time etc.. things can always be better, colder, hotter, or faster, perfect example: i was on the 4 train on my way from work to visit my beautiful godson and i felt like that train couldn't go faster, i was looking up at the computerized map and clock (cure and curse!) and counting the stops, checking the time (annoyed when the 'next stop is...' message interfered with my paranoia and didn't allow me to check the same time i had checked 16 seconds ago). i really had to fall back, breathe and just BE in the moment. as cliche and cheesy as this sounds, it's the truth, i couldn't control neither the time of day, nor the speed of the train so i had to just BE. we are always doing and not being.
here's an example of how i'm always 'doing' and not 'being'...
i'm a constant complainer (part of doing, i'm always doing: yapping, nagging, sassying) i got sumthin' to say about sumthin' all the time. and although it's a trait i do appreciate it's something, like everything else in life, that i'm trying to balance out. it took me 28 years of life to realize just how much ENERGY i exert when i complain, when i want to argue, when i want to fight. this is energy i can be using to elevate the human consciousness by writing a book ;), finishing my degree, spending quality time with my man in peace, no nagging. don't get me wrong i don't go out there looking for things to b#$# about (or maybe i do, but that's just another entry) my complaining is warranted (people are as#$holes sometimes!!) but it's just not justifiable nor is it healthy.
i love the fighter in me, the fyah in my belly but that heat can come at a price.
the womyn in my family are tough, capital T tough (mind you my mom and all of my aunts are 5'1 and shorter!!) but tough nonetheless. they run their houses, they run their children (even after adults) and RAN their relationships... you see, ALL of my aunts (and my mama) are single-instead of purifying as a balanced fire does naturally, their fire burned their unions down to a crisp. now sistahs don't go throwing your hands up thinking i just set our movement back 30 years or that i'm trying to 'blame' women for the demise of our relationships: wrong!!! i'm just shedding light on an aspect of my relationship that I have control over, as opposed to trying to control everything up under the sun (the uncontrollable) while neglecting the one thing I do have control over: me! there are always two sides to one story, and i'm just telling you my side, trying to understand me through me, not through anyone else.
i would like to get down to the root of this fiestiness, why do we always have to be right? or tough? why can't we just let sh#$# go?!? i can't let s## go to save my life, ESPECIALLY if the s#$# is done by a man, ESPECIALLY if it's a man i'm 'in love' with. maybe it's because i don't want to look stupid, or don't want to come off as a punk, or that someone is taking advantage of me, i don't know! are these still remnants of our time of indentured servitude and/or slavery? is this distrust that we NEEDED back then still alive today, causing black/brown love to be soo difficult? i'm not sure but i am sure that i'm always ready to argue, to complain, to 'tell you about yo'self' and i'm just writing today to let my ego know that i'm getting tired and to kindly ask her to retract her nails, put them back in her fingers, unclenched my teeth and lips (one of the few places i store my anger, my right shoulder and hips being the others) and just let it roll off your shoulders.
i was taught that i should never trust a man, don't tell him everything, don't tell him how much money you really have, don't introduce him to your friends because they will 'take him' from you, don't cry in front of a man or he will not take you serious (i must be the laughing stock of any man i've loved then!! lol), don't talk about your period with him, a man is never yours he belongs to the streets. my goodness!!! is this the same person who i am to fall in love with, marry, have babies with, be FRIENDS with?!
this distrust has led me and many like me to b## and nag and complain and to be tough, in all the wrong ways!!
i'm afraid that if we continue to sweat the small stuff and nag about every little thing, by the time the real issues come around it's like we're crying wolf.
i'm working on a love that is mutual, unconditional, peaceful and happy and the older i get the more and more i realize only I can change that, only I can attract that into my life by working on me first and foremost, by remembering that not even our 5 fingers aren't equal nor perfect, let alone an entire human being. i have to learn to forgive myself and my humanness in order to do the same for those i love.
so much beauty in our universe, but we mask it, complaining being my veil...
outgrowing my veils...that's what i'll call this entry.
thanks for reading
this piece was written earlier this year. it's been sitting in my unpublished folder and i just found the courage to publish and share it.
enjoy!
thursday evening, a snowy, slushy, i wanna stay in my sweat pants, messy hair and oversized socks day: thank you most high for days like these, days of nothingness but filled with so much. so much gratitude and peace and just stillness.
i woke up this morning with the urge to write, not sure about what, or why, but i just felt like writing. i even almost started that book i know i'll someday write, but then i saw the nutella and the breadsticks and i turned to them and moved my bookwriting to the bottom of my list: sometimes it's my academic writing, at times my computer, today the nutella.
i've been feeling a bit anxious lately, i just feel like nothing is never enough according to me (or is that my ego?), the work that i do, the love that i get, time etc.. things can always be better, colder, hotter, or faster, perfect example: i was on the 4 train on my way from work to visit my beautiful godson and i felt like that train couldn't go faster, i was looking up at the computerized map and clock (cure and curse!) and counting the stops, checking the time (annoyed when the 'next stop is...' message interfered with my paranoia and didn't allow me to check the same time i had checked 16 seconds ago). i really had to fall back, breathe and just BE in the moment. as cliche and cheesy as this sounds, it's the truth, i couldn't control neither the time of day, nor the speed of the train so i had to just BE. we are always doing and not being.
here's an example of how i'm always 'doing' and not 'being'...
i'm a constant complainer (part of doing, i'm always doing: yapping, nagging, sassying) i got sumthin' to say about sumthin' all the time. and although it's a trait i do appreciate it's something, like everything else in life, that i'm trying to balance out. it took me 28 years of life to realize just how much ENERGY i exert when i complain, when i want to argue, when i want to fight. this is energy i can be using to elevate the human consciousness by writing a book ;), finishing my degree, spending quality time with my man in peace, no nagging. don't get me wrong i don't go out there looking for things to b#$# about (or maybe i do, but that's just another entry) my complaining is warranted (people are as#$holes sometimes!!) but it's just not justifiable nor is it healthy.
i love the fighter in me, the fyah in my belly but that heat can come at a price.
the womyn in my family are tough, capital T tough (mind you my mom and all of my aunts are 5'1 and shorter!!) but tough nonetheless. they run their houses, they run their children (even after adults) and RAN their relationships... you see, ALL of my aunts (and my mama) are single-instead of purifying as a balanced fire does naturally, their fire burned their unions down to a crisp. now sistahs don't go throwing your hands up thinking i just set our movement back 30 years or that i'm trying to 'blame' women for the demise of our relationships: wrong!!! i'm just shedding light on an aspect of my relationship that I have control over, as opposed to trying to control everything up under the sun (the uncontrollable) while neglecting the one thing I do have control over: me! there are always two sides to one story, and i'm just telling you my side, trying to understand me through me, not through anyone else.
i would like to get down to the root of this fiestiness, why do we always have to be right? or tough? why can't we just let sh#$# go?!? i can't let s## go to save my life, ESPECIALLY if the s#$# is done by a man, ESPECIALLY if it's a man i'm 'in love' with. maybe it's because i don't want to look stupid, or don't want to come off as a punk, or that someone is taking advantage of me, i don't know! are these still remnants of our time of indentured servitude and/or slavery? is this distrust that we NEEDED back then still alive today, causing black/brown love to be soo difficult? i'm not sure but i am sure that i'm always ready to argue, to complain, to 'tell you about yo'self' and i'm just writing today to let my ego know that i'm getting tired and to kindly ask her to retract her nails, put them back in her fingers, unclenched my teeth and lips (one of the few places i store my anger, my right shoulder and hips being the others) and just let it roll off your shoulders.
i was taught that i should never trust a man, don't tell him everything, don't tell him how much money you really have, don't introduce him to your friends because they will 'take him' from you, don't cry in front of a man or he will not take you serious (i must be the laughing stock of any man i've loved then!! lol), don't talk about your period with him, a man is never yours he belongs to the streets. my goodness!!! is this the same person who i am to fall in love with, marry, have babies with, be FRIENDS with?!
this distrust has led me and many like me to b## and nag and complain and to be tough, in all the wrong ways!!
i'm afraid that if we continue to sweat the small stuff and nag about every little thing, by the time the real issues come around it's like we're crying wolf.
i'm working on a love that is mutual, unconditional, peaceful and happy and the older i get the more and more i realize only I can change that, only I can attract that into my life by working on me first and foremost, by remembering that not even our 5 fingers aren't equal nor perfect, let alone an entire human being. i have to learn to forgive myself and my humanness in order to do the same for those i love.
so much beauty in our universe, but we mask it, complaining being my veil...
outgrowing my veils...that's what i'll call this entry.
thanks for reading
Thursday, November 19, 2009
what my blue peep toe shoe taught me
good morning familia...
i wanted to share a quick story bout some blue shoes that taught me an invaluable lesson this week.
i went into my favorite shoe store in nyc (shoegasm on 23rd and 6th) a few weeks ago and it was love at first site. i saw them the minute i walked it: they were a pair of electric blue peep toe pumps with a huge blue bow in the front. i was in love but my bank account wasn't. i couldn't afford them at the moment (i 'could' because i had money in the bank but as you get older you start separating your funds into 'bill' money, 'eating' money and disposable income, as opposed to when i was a bit younger: it was all disposable income) so i was smart and walked out of there with a broken heart and no shoes.
i kept thinking about these shoes and how i would rock them, what scarf they would go well with, the perfect jeans, etc. but i wasn't going to do it to myself and start living outside of my means.
i forgot about the shoes for a few weeks but on sunday evening as i was getting ready for my day on monday i thought of the shoes again and i don't know where this came from but i affirmed: miguelina, you are going to get those shoes tomorrow and you aren't going to pay full price. that's all i said and i went to bed. the next day came and i marched into shoegasm and there they were: my babies!
i asked for my regular size but they didn't fit, weird!! so the guy brings me a half a size lower and the only pair they have left includes the sample on the floor...ding ding ding! here was my affirmation manifesting itself. i tried them on and it was like a glove, perfect in every way. i put on my R face (retail face) and asked him for a discount because it was a sample and that i've worked in retail and i know how this works...and he agreed and took a percentage off the shoe!
i am a 7, have been since i was about 19, i don't remember the last time i bought a 6.5 but on Monday I did.
i affirmed something, didn't think twice about it, and i got exactly what i wanted and for the price i wanted.
this may seem like another 'i'm addicted to retail' tale, but trust me it's bigger than the shoes!!
this taught me the power of our minds and what we can do if only we watch our thoughts and our words (thanks Id) and channel positive energy into our minds, as opposed to all the self limiting, self defeating beliefs that human beings have been trained to entertain.
at times we want something and as soon as the thought of the want comes into our minds we tend to dismiss it because we start to think about the HOW, how will i start that business? how will i get that degree? how can i change this relationship around? i've learned that in life, the HOW is none of our dam business!! we leave that up to our creator and they figure it out. our role as co-creators is to ask for and affirm our good, pray on it, and surrender it into the universe. if we believe in what we want with all our hearts (whether a pair of blue peep toe shoes, a house, or a healthy relationship with our partners) we will get it, the only thing standing in between you and what you want is...YOU!
as i ALWAYS remind you all, trust me as i write to you i am speaking to me. these blue shoes were the tip of the iceberg for me because i have a long ways to go. i get in my own way soo much! i make excuses for why i didn't do this, why this relationship didn't work, why i haven't taken those salsa dance classes i've always wanted to or why i haven't worked on my yoga certification, but at the end of it all it's simply not believing that A: i deserve all these good and B: that i can have them.
a couple of years ago i read the Celestine Prophecy (changed my life!) and i wanted to visit some ancient ruins, and my heart led me to Guatemala. i knew i wanted to go to Guatemala and have an experience of a lifetime, but i didn't know how. i know some of my friends remember how i used to tell them 'i'm going to Guatemala' and they would ask: 'really? when?' and i would simply reply ' i don;t know but i know i am going'. they would laugh as if i were crazy, but i meant it and believed it! but that was an honest answer i didn't know, all i know was that the desire was there and i chose to believe that i deserved this trip, again, leaving the HOW up to my creator(s). i knew i wanted a grassroots experience, no electricity, no running water, just mama nature and i, and i def needed to see the ancient ruins of Tikal!!: and i got it!! one 'random' day at work a 'not so random' email came in from my school's listserve announcing a 10 day trip to Guatemala for $1,000..whhhhhat? that was the answer to my prayers/affirmations.
as india.arie says, it's that simple although at times it looks complicated. we are what we think and if you're anything like me you are plagued with thoughts of lack and negativity and fears of the what ifs, when will it happen, why me, etc. but we have to watch our thoughts and consciously shift our perception. watch our thoughts and try to be gentle with ourselves when 'negative' thoughts come up, try not to judge but coach ourselves through that and consciously change our perspective and think about positive things. i hear that it starts to change your life in ways you would've never imagined...i'm not quite there yet myself but at least me and my blue shoes are on that yellow brick road, on my way!
all of this ain;t nothing new. this is written in books, we've seen it in movies like 'the secret' and 'what the bleep do we know?', but i guess i was trying to bring all of the material in these books/movies a bit closer to home and share my excitement because i am starting to see all this stuff we read and talk about begin to manifest in my life.
so now not only do i have a pair of electric blue f#$# me shoes, but now my outlook on life has shifted a teeny bit and sometimes that's all we need. my mom taught me that all we need is faith the size of a mustard seed (if ya aren't familiar with the seed it is TINY!!!) in order to move mountains in our lives and to start to live a life of constant peace!! not glimpses of it but constant peace.
i pray we all find our source of peace down this path called life so that when the winds of change blow our way that peace keeps us grounded enough so that we aren't swayed to and fro during the 'storm'.
who'd a thunk it?...i guess i did!!
i wanted to share a quick story bout some blue shoes that taught me an invaluable lesson this week.
i went into my favorite shoe store in nyc (shoegasm on 23rd and 6th) a few weeks ago and it was love at first site. i saw them the minute i walked it: they were a pair of electric blue peep toe pumps with a huge blue bow in the front. i was in love but my bank account wasn't. i couldn't afford them at the moment (i 'could' because i had money in the bank but as you get older you start separating your funds into 'bill' money, 'eating' money and disposable income, as opposed to when i was a bit younger: it was all disposable income) so i was smart and walked out of there with a broken heart and no shoes.
i kept thinking about these shoes and how i would rock them, what scarf they would go well with, the perfect jeans, etc. but i wasn't going to do it to myself and start living outside of my means.
i forgot about the shoes for a few weeks but on sunday evening as i was getting ready for my day on monday i thought of the shoes again and i don't know where this came from but i affirmed: miguelina, you are going to get those shoes tomorrow and you aren't going to pay full price. that's all i said and i went to bed. the next day came and i marched into shoegasm and there they were: my babies!
i asked for my regular size but they didn't fit, weird!! so the guy brings me a half a size lower and the only pair they have left includes the sample on the floor...ding ding ding! here was my affirmation manifesting itself. i tried them on and it was like a glove, perfect in every way. i put on my R face (retail face) and asked him for a discount because it was a sample and that i've worked in retail and i know how this works...and he agreed and took a percentage off the shoe!
i am a 7, have been since i was about 19, i don't remember the last time i bought a 6.5 but on Monday I did.
i affirmed something, didn't think twice about it, and i got exactly what i wanted and for the price i wanted.
this may seem like another 'i'm addicted to retail' tale, but trust me it's bigger than the shoes!!
this taught me the power of our minds and what we can do if only we watch our thoughts and our words (thanks Id) and channel positive energy into our minds, as opposed to all the self limiting, self defeating beliefs that human beings have been trained to entertain.
at times we want something and as soon as the thought of the want comes into our minds we tend to dismiss it because we start to think about the HOW, how will i start that business? how will i get that degree? how can i change this relationship around? i've learned that in life, the HOW is none of our dam business!! we leave that up to our creator and they figure it out. our role as co-creators is to ask for and affirm our good, pray on it, and surrender it into the universe. if we believe in what we want with all our hearts (whether a pair of blue peep toe shoes, a house, or a healthy relationship with our partners) we will get it, the only thing standing in between you and what you want is...YOU!
as i ALWAYS remind you all, trust me as i write to you i am speaking to me. these blue shoes were the tip of the iceberg for me because i have a long ways to go. i get in my own way soo much! i make excuses for why i didn't do this, why this relationship didn't work, why i haven't taken those salsa dance classes i've always wanted to or why i haven't worked on my yoga certification, but at the end of it all it's simply not believing that A: i deserve all these good and B: that i can have them.
a couple of years ago i read the Celestine Prophecy (changed my life!) and i wanted to visit some ancient ruins, and my heart led me to Guatemala. i knew i wanted to go to Guatemala and have an experience of a lifetime, but i didn't know how. i know some of my friends remember how i used to tell them 'i'm going to Guatemala' and they would ask: 'really? when?' and i would simply reply ' i don;t know but i know i am going'. they would laugh as if i were crazy, but i meant it and believed it! but that was an honest answer i didn't know, all i know was that the desire was there and i chose to believe that i deserved this trip, again, leaving the HOW up to my creator(s). i knew i wanted a grassroots experience, no electricity, no running water, just mama nature and i, and i def needed to see the ancient ruins of Tikal!!: and i got it!! one 'random' day at work a 'not so random' email came in from my school's listserve announcing a 10 day trip to Guatemala for $1,000..whhhhhat? that was the answer to my prayers/affirmations.
as india.arie says, it's that simple although at times it looks complicated. we are what we think and if you're anything like me you are plagued with thoughts of lack and negativity and fears of the what ifs, when will it happen, why me, etc. but we have to watch our thoughts and consciously shift our perception. watch our thoughts and try to be gentle with ourselves when 'negative' thoughts come up, try not to judge but coach ourselves through that and consciously change our perspective and think about positive things. i hear that it starts to change your life in ways you would've never imagined...i'm not quite there yet myself but at least me and my blue shoes are on that yellow brick road, on my way!
all of this ain;t nothing new. this is written in books, we've seen it in movies like 'the secret' and 'what the bleep do we know?', but i guess i was trying to bring all of the material in these books/movies a bit closer to home and share my excitement because i am starting to see all this stuff we read and talk about begin to manifest in my life.
so now not only do i have a pair of electric blue f#$# me shoes, but now my outlook on life has shifted a teeny bit and sometimes that's all we need. my mom taught me that all we need is faith the size of a mustard seed (if ya aren't familiar with the seed it is TINY!!!) in order to move mountains in our lives and to start to live a life of constant peace!! not glimpses of it but constant peace.
i pray we all find our source of peace down this path called life so that when the winds of change blow our way that peace keeps us grounded enough so that we aren't swayed to and fro during the 'storm'.
who'd a thunk it?...i guess i did!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
ROYGBIV
The more amicably you greet trouble, the sooner he will go away. – Artemus Ward...
good evening familia. happy monday to everyone. it's been a while since i blessed my soul with a little 'writing therapy'; i've allowed academic work to take hold for a while but i still can't live without my 'prose'.the quote above came to me this past week as part of my 'word of the week' from unity of new york (the spiritual center i am a part of now, and one experience that has changed my life...but that's a whole other post). this quote spoke volumes to me for many reasons; i've witnessed, first handedly, human beings can complicate our own lives. we huff and puff and hem and haw when 'life' is happening, we b#%# so much about change that all of a sudden we find ourselves with an Erlenmeyer flask in one hand and a bunson burner in another- we've become the mad scientist, converting simple, healthy, UNAVOIDABLE change into drama! we make a mountain out of a small little anthill. i assure ya, i was one of those. i suffered from what i called 'the VCR syndrome', i would replay drama in my mind over and over and over; i would share my drama with anyone who was ready to listen, i wrote about it in my journal, i replayed the event(s) in my head and even added extra actors, and outfits and scenarios. sometimes i was the protagonist, but most of the time i was a mere victim of circumstance! during that time in my life, i felt as if life was happening TO ME as opposed to THROUGH ME.
although i am not a pink floyd fan ( i can't tell you what they sing, or who they are, all i know is that supposedly their 'Darker Side of the Moon' album and The Wizard of Oz correspond with each other; if you play the album as the movie starts, it will play in synch with the movie: coooll right?) i LOVE their album cover with the prism on it; it's just so powerful to see how a tiny spec of light, when filtered through a prism, can reflect the beautiful rainbow god blessed us with. the same can go for us: we can choose to be beautiful, clear, DRAMA FREE prisms, reflecting light and ROYGBIV, or you can be opaque, dull and clouded with what so and so did to you, how the late train effed your day up, how 'life is not fair' , WHY is it raining on a Wednesday god?!?etc. etc. etc.
i've learned that 'SURRENDER' is the name of the game. i've been practicing yoga for close to three years now, i've done many styles, on many colored-mats, in hot smelly rooms, quiet ones and in the privacy of my own home; i've stretched my body in ways i didn't even know i could-one time I even balanced my entire body on one toe (the right big-toe to be exact), and although these were challenging positions i pushed through the pain and the limiting beliefs and did it (yyeahh migue!) BUT when it came to Savasana, i couldn't hang. at first glance it seems super easy: savasana is the pose where you simply lay down face up on your mat, palms up and breathing normally. they usually ask you not to fidget and to try and be still: yeah right!! that is the moment when my ego goes buck wild: first my nose itches-so i scratch, then the itch transfers to my right brow, i take care of that, I get annoyed at this itch that has 'taken over my body' but it soon goes away-thank god. i go back to center, breathe in and as i am about to exhale the waist line of my yoga pants starts rolling down my hip, exposing my tiny pot belly i had masked so well! ladies (and some gentleman) you KNOW what i'm talking about: there is a certain 'place' where our pants feel comfortable and serve as a Monet- in the mirror it looks as if my waist shrunk 2 inches: cool! but if it rolls down about half an inch too low, that coco-cola bottle figure starts to feel more like a frozen two liter, oozing chunks of frozen soda out onto the sides of the bottle once opened...yeah that's how it can feel, and i ain't crazy i KNOW i'm not the only one ;).
i role my pants back up and take care of my 'frozen coca-cola' syndrome- now it's back to savasna: oommmmmmmmmm! i rearrange the towel under me, face my palms up again and come back to center only to be greeted by the same itch but now it's moved to my left collar bone...aaayyyiiii!!
ALL this just to show you how HARD the SIMPLE act of Savasna = Surrender truly is! our control issues take hold and we let the itch, the yoga pant, the mat, the job, the inconsiderate friend, the late train, the rude waiter, etc...get the best of us instead of surrendering! we feel like it's our job to do do do, to 'fix' things (sometimes it ain't even our own ish we wanna fix but that of our mama's, our partners, or when we feel the need to 'check' someone )...why can't we just be?
at times i find myself writing about the same 'stuff':change, life, love, surrender, etc, but i can't help it folks. i see children of god getting in the way of their own good: why? why can't we just trust god and surrender to her/his/their/its will? (i'm tryna be politically correct ya'll! bear with me lol)they know what they are doing, why they are doing it, with whom and more importantly WHEN! todo a su devido tiempo, everything has its season and happens exactly when it's supposed to, in divine order.
my mom taught me that life is not about simply living it, but about KNOWING how to live it. and i never got what she meant when she used to tell me that at the tender age of 7, lol (dominicans have no filter for age, they school you on life at an early age) but at 28 i get it - eureka!! knowing how to live it, is knowing when to gracefully bow out, let go and let God!!
i sign off of this post with this one request:
the next time change happens in your life (whether small scale like a late train, or bigger like a job loss), instead of being a VCR, why not be a Prism?
light!
good evening familia. happy monday to everyone. it's been a while since i blessed my soul with a little 'writing therapy'; i've allowed academic work to take hold for a while but i still can't live without my 'prose'.the quote above came to me this past week as part of my 'word of the week' from unity of new york (the spiritual center i am a part of now, and one experience that has changed my life...but that's a whole other post). this quote spoke volumes to me for many reasons; i've witnessed, first handedly, human beings can complicate our own lives. we huff and puff and hem and haw when 'life' is happening, we b#%# so much about change that all of a sudden we find ourselves with an Erlenmeyer flask in one hand and a bunson burner in another- we've become the mad scientist, converting simple, healthy, UNAVOIDABLE change into drama! we make a mountain out of a small little anthill. i assure ya, i was one of those. i suffered from what i called 'the VCR syndrome', i would replay drama in my mind over and over and over; i would share my drama with anyone who was ready to listen, i wrote about it in my journal, i replayed the event(s) in my head and even added extra actors, and outfits and scenarios. sometimes i was the protagonist, but most of the time i was a mere victim of circumstance! during that time in my life, i felt as if life was happening TO ME as opposed to THROUGH ME.
although i am not a pink floyd fan ( i can't tell you what they sing, or who they are, all i know is that supposedly their 'Darker Side of the Moon' album and The Wizard of Oz correspond with each other; if you play the album as the movie starts, it will play in synch with the movie: coooll right?) i LOVE their album cover with the prism on it; it's just so powerful to see how a tiny spec of light, when filtered through a prism, can reflect the beautiful rainbow god blessed us with. the same can go for us: we can choose to be beautiful, clear, DRAMA FREE prisms, reflecting light and ROYGBIV, or you can be opaque, dull and clouded with what so and so did to you, how the late train effed your day up, how 'life is not fair' , WHY is it raining on a Wednesday god?!?etc. etc. etc.
i've learned that 'SURRENDER' is the name of the game. i've been practicing yoga for close to three years now, i've done many styles, on many colored-mats, in hot smelly rooms, quiet ones and in the privacy of my own home; i've stretched my body in ways i didn't even know i could-one time I even balanced my entire body on one toe (the right big-toe to be exact), and although these were challenging positions i pushed through the pain and the limiting beliefs and did it (yyeahh migue!) BUT when it came to Savasana, i couldn't hang. at first glance it seems super easy: savasana is the pose where you simply lay down face up on your mat, palms up and breathing normally. they usually ask you not to fidget and to try and be still: yeah right!! that is the moment when my ego goes buck wild: first my nose itches-so i scratch, then the itch transfers to my right brow, i take care of that, I get annoyed at this itch that has 'taken over my body' but it soon goes away-thank god. i go back to center, breathe in and as i am about to exhale the waist line of my yoga pants starts rolling down my hip, exposing my tiny pot belly i had masked so well! ladies (and some gentleman) you KNOW what i'm talking about: there is a certain 'place' where our pants feel comfortable and serve as a Monet- in the mirror it looks as if my waist shrunk 2 inches: cool! but if it rolls down about half an inch too low, that coco-cola bottle figure starts to feel more like a frozen two liter, oozing chunks of frozen soda out onto the sides of the bottle once opened...yeah that's how it can feel, and i ain't crazy i KNOW i'm not the only one ;).
i role my pants back up and take care of my 'frozen coca-cola' syndrome- now it's back to savasna: oommmmmmmmmm! i rearrange the towel under me, face my palms up again and come back to center only to be greeted by the same itch but now it's moved to my left collar bone...aaayyyiiii!!
ALL this just to show you how HARD the SIMPLE act of Savasna = Surrender truly is! our control issues take hold and we let the itch, the yoga pant, the mat, the job, the inconsiderate friend, the late train, the rude waiter, etc...get the best of us instead of surrendering! we feel like it's our job to do do do, to 'fix' things (sometimes it ain't even our own ish we wanna fix but that of our mama's, our partners, or when we feel the need to 'check' someone )...why can't we just be?
at times i find myself writing about the same 'stuff':change, life, love, surrender, etc, but i can't help it folks. i see children of god getting in the way of their own good: why? why can't we just trust god and surrender to her/his/their/its will? (i'm tryna be politically correct ya'll! bear with me lol)they know what they are doing, why they are doing it, with whom and more importantly WHEN! todo a su devido tiempo, everything has its season and happens exactly when it's supposed to, in divine order.
my mom taught me that life is not about simply living it, but about KNOWING how to live it. and i never got what she meant when she used to tell me that at the tender age of 7, lol (dominicans have no filter for age, they school you on life at an early age) but at 28 i get it - eureka!! knowing how to live it, is knowing when to gracefully bow out, let go and let God!!
i sign off of this post with this one request:
the next time change happens in your life (whether small scale like a late train, or bigger like a job loss), instead of being a VCR, why not be a Prism?
light!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I don't paint my nails when I'm on my period...
As I sit here and type this here post I am in the beginning stages of ovulation (real men don't turn away now) and this beautiful, needed, healthy phase of my cycle is what led me to share these thoughts with you. My body is preparing itself for the most delicate stage during the month for a womyn, where I am more in touch with myself and with nature. For me, there is no other way to feel more alive then to menstruate. Here in this phase is where I cleanse, create, and live...and it's also a phase that has been almost ostracized from our culture. Now let me make some things clear: I don't sit here and anticipate my cycle, there are days when it's not fun... it's not like I am going to shoot an info-mercial in my white jeans walking in the park with my partner, or better yet: horseback riding on some beach smiling during the best day for all of us...the 2nd one! But it's also not something that puts a halt on my daily functions, causes me to spit fire out of my mouth and smoke from my ears. For me, at the end of the day it just IS, period ;). I am also aware that some sistahs have 'special' periods where prescription medicine and at least two days of rest is required, or there may be other illnesses tied into an irregular period; I just ask that everyone takes this entry in with a grain of salt.
Most womyn give me that 'your full of shit' look whenever the topic of menstruation comes up (more often than not fellas) and I tell them that for the last three years I have not taken a pain killer nor a diuretic for my cramps. I just don't feel it's necessary- I tell them..you're fucking crazy-they tell me. But I ain't bullshitting. I have been able to work with my body and not against it and have had some of the best periods as an adult (some sistahs are probably reading this like: 'best' and 'period' should never be used in the same sentence...but they can sistahs they can!).
Dominicans are some superstitious mofo's: don't put your purse on the floor or you'll lose all you're money, don't open the fridge after you've been ironing or your face will get all distorted; don't sweep over a womyn's feet or she will marry old. When I was a kid none seem more ridiculous then those attributed to la luna (literally translates into the moon but it is used to describe the menstrual cycle). These are the 'ground rules' that a young Dominican womyn must follow after she is honored enough to 'matar el chivo' (kill the goat-as your initial period is called...don't ask me cause I don't know where these two things came together lol). Rule #1: Don't wash your hair when you're on your period. I never got this one, sistahs would agree with me when I say that during those 4, 5, 6, 7 (yikes!!!) days you want to take extra long baths and showers and take good care of your body, and that includes washing your hair.
Rule #2: Don't paint your nails when you're on your period
Rule #3: Don't mess with harsh chemicals a few days before and while on your period. These include (but are not limited to lol): detergents (easy off and comet were your enemies), bleach, spray paints, nail polish and nail polish removers (see rule #2), etc.
Rule #4: Don't walk around barefoot EVER, ESPECIALLY when you're on your period.
Although I've made an exception for numbers 1 and 4, 2 and 3 are always followed...ALWAYS!! Going against these two have proven detrimental time and time again. Whenever I mess with harsh deteregents prior to my period I am a hot mess. It is much more intense, longer and painful, so i've learned my lesson and I steer clear of these things. I have gone days with chipped hot pink nail polish (my DR 2009 posse can attest to this) and I don't give a dam. I don't care what anyone else thinks about me or my nails, at the end of the day it's how Migue's going to feel. But isn't it amazing at how centered and rooted our bodies are during this phase that we get to actually feel what these harsh chemicals are doing to our bodies on the day to day. We use harsh detergents day in and day out; we already started to wake up to the affects that they are having on mama Earth and we are 'wising up'; but what about the affects that they are having on us? (men and womyn alike). The best time to understand these is when womyn are on our cycle.
Again, some sistahs may be shaking their heads in disbelief because they paint their nails and mess with harsh detergents while on their periods and they are 'fine'...but how would you know you are 'fine' if you are numbing yourself during your period?As a culture we are being anesthetized on a daily basis. Food numbs us, shopping does it for some of us, drugs, alcohol, video games, cars and the number one: tv. Most of us walk around not really feeling, not experiencing but just survivin'. We are not strivin' anymore and personally this is because we are so afraid to feel ALL of our emotions, the good and those not so good ones that lead us to crack open that bottle of beer, vodka or motrin. And I'm right there with some of ya, even the thought of any form of pain (be if physical or emotional) is scary. We restrict ourselves from feeling and in the process we cannot be whole; being whole means being balanced, and balance includes the smile and the frown, clarity and confusion, relief and pain. You ever wondered what would happen if we just let things be? If we allowed ourselves to just feel? If instead of running for the motrin, midol, diurex, pamprin we just sat and breathed through the cramps. Or we got down on a yoga mat and inhaled into cow and exhaled into cat? (yes these are real poses lol). We can overcome that pain and turn it into pure sensation, we don't have to charge it as negative but just let it be and let it ride out and see what happens-I have hopes that we will grow stronger, we won't be broken down.
I've had conversations with sistahs who purposefully get on birthcontrol just to 'control' their periods, so that they are few and far between; they want to go on with life without having to deal with the 'thing'. This goes out to the YAZ', the orthos (high and low), and my homegirls the depos whose period is kept somewhere in her body without seeing the light of day for up to 5 years! But I ask them and myself: where does all of that blood go? It HAS to go somewhere, right? Oh wait I know, I just saw the YAZ commercial a few weeks ago and the lady with the 'micro-machine guy' voice towards the end of the commercial stated that some of the 24 side effects includes-but are not limited to-nose bleeds, blood clots in the legs, and/or coughing up blood. What kills me is that some of us do not want to bleed from one, very natural area but we don't mind bleeding from other, less natural ones like our nose and mouth. It seems a bit backwards to me, doesn't it?Or we prefer to numb the discomforts (I choose not to charge it with a negative word like pain) of something as natural as our periods, that is completely ours, but we will deal with someone else's discomfort, the PAIN inflicted by an outside source: boyfriend/girlfriend, career, friend, etc.
I don't intend on being some martyr, dealing with discomfort just to show others that it's doable or just to prove a point to anyone but myself. I assure you I don't just 'deal' with my discomfort, I AM my discomfort, I am my period, I am my tender breast, my bloated belly, my lower back ache. My period and everything she comes with is a part of me just as much as every other 'desirable' aspects of me are: from my clitoris, to my orgasms and my hips-my period is right there, just as sexy as the other parts of me. I am aware that I have not had children (which I hear can completely change your cycle), I don't have a serious health issue that f#$# my period up (thank god) I'm just writing from experiences up to date. I am writing because I want us all to take our power back, and just like with everything else, it starts with self. Take back the power to feel and just be, discomfort and all; to allow all those emotions to flow through your body and see how you feel. I dare you all to become alchemist and transform your discomfort, bloating and fatigue into strength courage and wisdom ;).
Here are a few tips on how to prep (or how to help a loved one prep).
Definitely follow rules #2 and 3 above, lol. Your body is super sensitive during your period but believe it or not it can be much more sensitive right after ovulation, days before your period. Before I proceed I must ask, how many of us know how to track our periods? You'd be surprised at how many womyn don't know how to do it. I learned how to track my cycle when I was 21 years old! It's simple but many of us don't know how. You count 28 days from your first period, for example: if you got your period today, August 20th, you would count 28 days from today (or 4 weeks on a calendar) this means that on or around September 17th you will be on your next period. If you get this you can save some money on motrin and thermacare, etc ;).
We should be taking care of ourselves regularly but we need to be extra careful during the few days leading to our periods. Drinks lots of water, and please stay away from sugar and CAFFEINE!! One of my dear sistah-friends is hooked on pepsi and this addiction becomes intervention-esque during her period lol. She claims she needs a can of pepsi but is later paying for it. Although chocolate and sweets have been attributed to PMSing they are causing us to feel sick...remember this! Get your 8hours+ of sleep, and EXERCISE. This is crucial. The cat and cow poses mentioned above are great for cramps (I just typed in cat and cow pose on youtube and a bunch of videos popped up). With these poses comes another beneficial component: breathing. But through it all the number one thing that will help you with this is YOU. Being in touch with your body is what is going to help you be healthy enough to have healthier periods with less discomfort. Meditation has helped me a lot, not as much as I'd like because I have what Buddhas call a monkey mind where my thoughts don't sit still for 3 seconds, they swing around in my head, but slowly but surely as I say.
My reason for this entry was to help us all wake a certain part (or parts) or our bodies up; to cause a shift in the collective consciousness and for us to start to change the way we think about this beautiful, inevitable, life-giving phase in our lives. I hope it will help open up some third eyes (whether yours or mine...I am open to questions, comments or concerns) which in turn will allow us to move past our fears and into our true, balanced selves.
Signing off...
M.
Most womyn give me that 'your full of shit' look whenever the topic of menstruation comes up (more often than not fellas) and I tell them that for the last three years I have not taken a pain killer nor a diuretic for my cramps. I just don't feel it's necessary- I tell them..you're fucking crazy-they tell me. But I ain't bullshitting. I have been able to work with my body and not against it and have had some of the best periods as an adult (some sistahs are probably reading this like: 'best' and 'period' should never be used in the same sentence...but they can sistahs they can!).
Dominicans are some superstitious mofo's: don't put your purse on the floor or you'll lose all you're money, don't open the fridge after you've been ironing or your face will get all distorted; don't sweep over a womyn's feet or she will marry old. When I was a kid none seem more ridiculous then those attributed to la luna (literally translates into the moon but it is used to describe the menstrual cycle). These are the 'ground rules' that a young Dominican womyn must follow after she is honored enough to 'matar el chivo' (kill the goat-as your initial period is called...don't ask me cause I don't know where these two things came together lol). Rule #1: Don't wash your hair when you're on your period. I never got this one, sistahs would agree with me when I say that during those 4, 5, 6, 7 (yikes!!!) days you want to take extra long baths and showers and take good care of your body, and that includes washing your hair.
Rule #2: Don't paint your nails when you're on your period
Rule #3: Don't mess with harsh chemicals a few days before and while on your period. These include (but are not limited to lol): detergents (easy off and comet were your enemies), bleach, spray paints, nail polish and nail polish removers (see rule #2), etc.
Rule #4: Don't walk around barefoot EVER, ESPECIALLY when you're on your period.
Although I've made an exception for numbers 1 and 4, 2 and 3 are always followed...ALWAYS!! Going against these two have proven detrimental time and time again. Whenever I mess with harsh deteregents prior to my period I am a hot mess. It is much more intense, longer and painful, so i've learned my lesson and I steer clear of these things. I have gone days with chipped hot pink nail polish (my DR 2009 posse can attest to this) and I don't give a dam. I don't care what anyone else thinks about me or my nails, at the end of the day it's how Migue's going to feel. But isn't it amazing at how centered and rooted our bodies are during this phase that we get to actually feel what these harsh chemicals are doing to our bodies on the day to day. We use harsh detergents day in and day out; we already started to wake up to the affects that they are having on mama Earth and we are 'wising up'; but what about the affects that they are having on us? (men and womyn alike). The best time to understand these is when womyn are on our cycle.
Again, some sistahs may be shaking their heads in disbelief because they paint their nails and mess with harsh detergents while on their periods and they are 'fine'...but how would you know you are 'fine' if you are numbing yourself during your period?As a culture we are being anesthetized on a daily basis. Food numbs us, shopping does it for some of us, drugs, alcohol, video games, cars and the number one: tv. Most of us walk around not really feeling, not experiencing but just survivin'. We are not strivin' anymore and personally this is because we are so afraid to feel ALL of our emotions, the good and those not so good ones that lead us to crack open that bottle of beer, vodka or motrin. And I'm right there with some of ya, even the thought of any form of pain (be if physical or emotional) is scary. We restrict ourselves from feeling and in the process we cannot be whole; being whole means being balanced, and balance includes the smile and the frown, clarity and confusion, relief and pain. You ever wondered what would happen if we just let things be? If we allowed ourselves to just feel? If instead of running for the motrin, midol, diurex, pamprin we just sat and breathed through the cramps. Or we got down on a yoga mat and inhaled into cow and exhaled into cat? (yes these are real poses lol). We can overcome that pain and turn it into pure sensation, we don't have to charge it as negative but just let it be and let it ride out and see what happens-I have hopes that we will grow stronger, we won't be broken down.
I've had conversations with sistahs who purposefully get on birthcontrol just to 'control' their periods, so that they are few and far between; they want to go on with life without having to deal with the 'thing'. This goes out to the YAZ', the orthos (high and low), and my homegirls the depos whose period is kept somewhere in her body without seeing the light of day for up to 5 years! But I ask them and myself: where does all of that blood go? It HAS to go somewhere, right? Oh wait I know, I just saw the YAZ commercial a few weeks ago and the lady with the 'micro-machine guy' voice towards the end of the commercial stated that some of the 24 side effects includes-but are not limited to-nose bleeds, blood clots in the legs, and/or coughing up blood. What kills me is that some of us do not want to bleed from one, very natural area but we don't mind bleeding from other, less natural ones like our nose and mouth. It seems a bit backwards to me, doesn't it?Or we prefer to numb the discomforts (I choose not to charge it with a negative word like pain) of something as natural as our periods, that is completely ours, but we will deal with someone else's discomfort, the PAIN inflicted by an outside source: boyfriend/girlfriend, career, friend, etc.
I don't intend on being some martyr, dealing with discomfort just to show others that it's doable or just to prove a point to anyone but myself. I assure you I don't just 'deal' with my discomfort, I AM my discomfort, I am my period, I am my tender breast, my bloated belly, my lower back ache. My period and everything she comes with is a part of me just as much as every other 'desirable' aspects of me are: from my clitoris, to my orgasms and my hips-my period is right there, just as sexy as the other parts of me. I am aware that I have not had children (which I hear can completely change your cycle), I don't have a serious health issue that f#$# my period up (thank god) I'm just writing from experiences up to date. I am writing because I want us all to take our power back, and just like with everything else, it starts with self. Take back the power to feel and just be, discomfort and all; to allow all those emotions to flow through your body and see how you feel. I dare you all to become alchemist and transform your discomfort, bloating and fatigue into strength courage and wisdom ;).
Here are a few tips on how to prep (or how to help a loved one prep).
Definitely follow rules #2 and 3 above, lol. Your body is super sensitive during your period but believe it or not it can be much more sensitive right after ovulation, days before your period. Before I proceed I must ask, how many of us know how to track our periods? You'd be surprised at how many womyn don't know how to do it. I learned how to track my cycle when I was 21 years old! It's simple but many of us don't know how. You count 28 days from your first period, for example: if you got your period today, August 20th, you would count 28 days from today (or 4 weeks on a calendar) this means that on or around September 17th you will be on your next period. If you get this you can save some money on motrin and thermacare, etc ;).
We should be taking care of ourselves regularly but we need to be extra careful during the few days leading to our periods. Drinks lots of water, and please stay away from sugar and CAFFEINE!! One of my dear sistah-friends is hooked on pepsi and this addiction becomes intervention-esque during her period lol. She claims she needs a can of pepsi but is later paying for it. Although chocolate and sweets have been attributed to PMSing they are causing us to feel sick...remember this! Get your 8hours+ of sleep, and EXERCISE. This is crucial. The cat and cow poses mentioned above are great for cramps (I just typed in cat and cow pose on youtube and a bunch of videos popped up). With these poses comes another beneficial component: breathing. But through it all the number one thing that will help you with this is YOU. Being in touch with your body is what is going to help you be healthy enough to have healthier periods with less discomfort. Meditation has helped me a lot, not as much as I'd like because I have what Buddhas call a monkey mind where my thoughts don't sit still for 3 seconds, they swing around in my head, but slowly but surely as I say.
My reason for this entry was to help us all wake a certain part (or parts) or our bodies up; to cause a shift in the collective consciousness and for us to start to change the way we think about this beautiful, inevitable, life-giving phase in our lives. I hope it will help open up some third eyes (whether yours or mine...I am open to questions, comments or concerns) which in turn will allow us to move past our fears and into our true, balanced selves.
Signing off...
M.
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