Paz.
Out of ALL the things I had been brainstorming about, abortion was not even a thought in my heart nor in my mind when trying to come up with new blog entries for this new year we were blessed with. but the billboard that was plastered up on soho and all the chatter and back and forth that came along with it led me to write about such a sensitive subject (one that i seldom opinionate on,for many reasons...until now).
my gods, guides and angels have protected me thus far and i haven't had to even consider the thought of an abortion, thank you most high. i don't know if it was the boring a#% sex-ed course i took in the 11th grade, the fact that i kept my virginity until a relatively later age than most sistahs around my way or the sheer fear that dominga torres and fransico rodriguez would strike in my heart every time they would attempt to have 'the' talk with gris and i. (btw: that talk consisted of my mom or my dad reminding us that if we decided to open our legs to any little boy that we would have to come home and pack our ish and move in with him because they weren't about to be raising no 'women' in their house. This was only about having sex, they didn't even tell us what they'd do to us if we came out pregnant while living at home) no talk about condoms, birth control pills just abstinence (old school dominican campo abstinence). but whatever it was, it 'worked'.
or maybe i was just 'lucky' - and given the stats I'm feeling that way right about now:
41% of New York babies are aborted, with the percentage even higher in the Bronx and among African-Americans.
When you break this down by race for 2010:
Blacks have a 59.8% abortion rate.
Hispanics have a 41.3% abortion rate.
Asians have a 22.7% abortion rate.
And non-Hispanic Whites have a 20.4% abortion rate.
These numbers are alarming, my womb hurts just from reading them.
But...although these numbers are disturbing, they still do not lead me to caste any judgment of my sistahs who are opting to have an abortion. the situation is complicated and multifaceted, simply saying you are PRO CHOICE or PRO LIFE is not that easy and judging sistahs will not make these numbers disappear, it won't even make them decrease.
I am not saying I am PRO CHOICE. At the end of the day you are killing a being, period. I will not try to sugar coat it, nor will I try to minimize the fetus to a sheer 'thing' when I know it has a soul and had a whole other life (or lives) prior to this one that is about to be taken away.
But...I am not PRO LIFE. I am not about to be up in no one's face telling them they are 'wrong' for aborting their fetus, or that they shouldn't. Personally, some PRO LIFEers have a lot of nerve ESPECIALLY when most of these folk do not have wombs and will never carry a child: MEN!!
There is one thing to try to educate our folk or to try to get to the bottom of those numbers listed above (something NO ONE is doing at this point). But when you are pointing fingers, even if done so subtly, or plastering an offensive, insensitive, racist, sexist and CRUEL billboard in white-ass SOHO, than I just have to start 'caring' enough to speak up on abortion.
As I reiterated on my FB post: I know there is trouble in our communities, these numbers do NOT lie. I am a social science researcher and I understand that numbers speak volumes. We are in trouble and we need to get ourselves out of this situation, not point fingers and worry about who is doing what with their placenta: that is step B, we aren't even focusing on step A.
Now some of us sistahs need to sit back and reflect on some of the decisions we make in our lives. Some are using abortions as a contraceptive, like "Oops, I effed up, gotta 'take care' of this" and that is not the way it should be used. I know that a few of us (I was going to say MOST but I'm trying to be sensitive and P.C. here) know sistahs who have had multiple abortions (and multiple don't have to mean 5, TWO is multiple, TWO too many-and if you are younger than 21, that TWO feels like 22). Some of ya wanted the child but the daddy refused to take care of it, so you 'took care of it' and made a decision with your mind not your heart. Some are in a place in their lives where an extra mouth to feed would be detrimental not only to you and the rest of your family, but to that child that will suffer in your hands. Some just simply are not 'ready' for a child in their lives. and i KNOW they should've thought about that before making the decision to have sex(IF it was consented sex, that's a whole different entry), we need to worry about the cause and not place 100% of our attention on the effect.
In my personal experience with Dominga and her version of the 'birds and the bees' I can see how I could have been led by fear to abort my child. Fear that I would be adorned with the burning "A" on my chest forever. Fear that I would be disowned by my loved ones. My mother is using a sex education framework that is not only outdated but it's out of context. Not only is my mother from a different generation but she is from a different country, lifestyle, set of values, etc. Here she is with the 'simple' campo mentality in a world that promotes sex, where some children are taught about their bodies at a young age, something my mom thought was absurd and would only lead to sex.
Let me give you a prime example of how 'deep' this issue runs:
In the 6th grade the girls in our grade were taken down to the auditorium and shown a quick video on menstruating. They showed us how our reproductive organs and the menstrual cycle worked, at approximately what age we should expect it and how to care for yourself when you do get your 'friend'. I was blushing and a bit embarrassed because my family never really spoke to me about my 'friend'. I don't know how I knew about it, but I knew what menstruating was, what I did know was that I hadn't learned it from my family and that you don't speak about it in public. But there were my ovaries and fallopian tubes plastered on a huge screen at P.S. 81.
As if I wasn't red enough, the lady pulls out a shiny blue box and delicately places it in my hands: tampons! I wanted to die. I don't know exactly why the embarrassment but I do know why the fear in my racing heart. I knew that if I got home with these Dominga would kick my ass. I remember hiding them for months and fearing that I would come home from school one day and find Dominga with the blue box in one hand and the plastic Dominican chancleta in the other, ready to whoop my behind. At that age, I want my daughters to feel like they can speak to me about what they just heard (not 'learned' because I would have hopefully spoken to them by that age) and that we can sit and have a conversation (not a lecture) about menstruating, and tampons vs. kotex. But I didn't feel like I had any rapport with my mom in terms of ANY 'sex' education, not even menstruating.
That lil story goes to show how deeply rooted this lack of sex education is. My family felt it was 'taboo' to discuss menstruating to their 11 year old daughters who would inevitably begin their cycle, let alone discuss condoms or birth control.
I say all this not to caste any responsibility away from anyone, nor to minimize the fact that abortions suck. But to hopefully get you all to think about ALL the parties involved in this situation, not just the fetus.
Those of us who have never had to go through an abortion cannot even fathom how hard it must be for that mother to go through with this process. The physical, psychological and emotional scars must run deep. What about the father's who do care enough to stick around? Those who suffer the emotional and psychological effects along with the mother?
Family, I honestly do not know where I'm going with this entry, I am truly writing from my heart. Very little editing, just typing. Again, I am not one to opinionate much about this topic but today my guides led me to sit and share my story, a story (hopefully a 'neutral' one) with you all who care to read it.
Or maybe it was because at the age of 40 an illegal immigrant in this country with very little family here never fathomed that she could get pregnant at the age of 40, but she did. this was in the 80s and to be pregnant at 40 was almost unheard of. She was lost confused and the only way she thought she could get out of that situation was by aborting her fetuSES...thank god the babies father and the sistah's heavenly father were there to help her remember that she was strong enough to go through with this and trust me, Gris and I are happy that my mom did.
I completely understand why my mom was thinking about it, I really do... but I'm glad she decided to dar a luz (give light) to this dark world...
The world isn't so 'black and white' nor 'Pro THIS and Pro THAT'...member that.
LUZ!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Friday, July 23, 2010
an inspiration to many
an inspiration to many, but a 'failure' to one. so many look up to me while i frown upon myself. i'm never good enough for myself while my advice is good enough to get folks up and out of their seat, the irony huh?
the optimism i offer most seems to hide from shame when I need a little bit of it for myself.
but where did this all come from? why won't it go away? when will i be 'ready' to accept ALL of my good?...
limbo has become second nature to me but no matter how much i pray , cry and affirm, i always seem to come back right here, to a cozy corner in the living room of life with my cozy armchair, my fuzzy socks and my warm blanket, too afraid to brave the cold that awaits us all in the world.
maybe one day i'll garner up enough courage to start and finish my proposal, or take that one last set of exams. or maybe i'll even be brave enough to stand in front of a class, not an academic one, but a yoga one, and TEACH! who knows if i can even surrender and accept ALL of the love i receive from my mami, sister, friends and my partner. but for now i'll keep 'fighting' and worrying and reminding myself that it's never enough, i'm lazy and will not meet the deadline. i'll stay in fuzzy socks, even if it's 99 degrees out, who cares? =p
from my soul to yours
ache
the optimism i offer most seems to hide from shame when I need a little bit of it for myself.
but where did this all come from? why won't it go away? when will i be 'ready' to accept ALL of my good?...
limbo has become second nature to me but no matter how much i pray , cry and affirm, i always seem to come back right here, to a cozy corner in the living room of life with my cozy armchair, my fuzzy socks and my warm blanket, too afraid to brave the cold that awaits us all in the world.
maybe one day i'll garner up enough courage to start and finish my proposal, or take that one last set of exams. or maybe i'll even be brave enough to stand in front of a class, not an academic one, but a yoga one, and TEACH! who knows if i can even surrender and accept ALL of the love i receive from my mami, sister, friends and my partner. but for now i'll keep 'fighting' and worrying and reminding myself that it's never enough, i'm lazy and will not meet the deadline. i'll stay in fuzzy socks, even if it's 99 degrees out, who cares? =p
from my soul to yours
ache
Sunday, April 4, 2010
it's 10:40pm, easter sunday and I'm still up. although i have a HUGE day mañana: my 'closer' by goapele alarm tune will go off at exactly 6:40- i'm still up...why do you ask? because my extremely dominican neighbors felt as if christ's resurrection was way more than enough reason to celebrate and blast their sound system until 10:41pm on a sunday evening. between the acordian, güira, and tambor miguelina grits her teeth, exhales (in that passive aggressive kinda way) and rolls her eyes. why?!?! why do WE insist on listening to our music wayyy past the healthy level? past the respectful one as well? and it's not only dominicans- my trini neighbors across the way, my former african-american neighbors in new lots as well...why? not only is it dangerous for our hearing but it's also kinda rude if you ask me. who told you i want to listen to your güiri güiri or your bunké bunké (the sounds my family makes whenever they mock 'english' music)? it's 10:44pm, sunday evening and a 'special' one at that, it's the sunday evening before a lot of folks go back to work after a week-long vaca. 'smart' folks try to be in bed by now, so that the wrestling match between your body and the covers tomorrow morning doesn't leave you feeling like rick flair and rowdy rowdy piper layed a 'the rock' smack down on you (d.c. '09) ;)...
but does this make me bougie in any way? does the fact that el torito, machel montana, or biggie's voices breaking in through my window, sitting on my bed like an uninvited (annoying) guest makes me wanna beat somebody's ass make me less dominican, or caribbean or from bk?
am i not dominican enough because i don't believe that a baby's birthday party should involve a 6-speaker sound system, contracted dj, 3 gallons of johnnie and a reception that starts at 8pm? or because i refuse to scream across the table during a mother's day dinner because my cousin's husband decided he wanted to show off his brand new sound system (which is almost always more tweeter than anything else)?
my tolerance for this type of s#$# is just slowly eroding. maybe it's my educational level, my travel's around the world or the slight increase in income...or maybe my behind is just getting old..not sure, but it's 10:56pm and tito swing is slowly breaking in through my window, lemme call the cops on this m$#$#@#$@#!!!
just being honest mi gente...
but does this make me bougie in any way? does the fact that el torito, machel montana, or biggie's voices breaking in through my window, sitting on my bed like an uninvited (annoying) guest makes me wanna beat somebody's ass make me less dominican, or caribbean or from bk?
am i not dominican enough because i don't believe that a baby's birthday party should involve a 6-speaker sound system, contracted dj, 3 gallons of johnnie and a reception that starts at 8pm? or because i refuse to scream across the table during a mother's day dinner because my cousin's husband decided he wanted to show off his brand new sound system (which is almost always more tweeter than anything else)?
my tolerance for this type of s#$# is just slowly eroding. maybe it's my educational level, my travel's around the world or the slight increase in income...or maybe my behind is just getting old..not sure, but it's 10:56pm and tito swing is slowly breaking in through my window, lemme call the cops on this m$#$#@#$@#!!!
just being honest mi gente...
Monday, March 22, 2010
Am I A Poet?
Am I a poet?
I wear dark, pin-stripped pants to work in my flourescent-lit office.
I prepare PowerPoint presentations to present at scholarly conferences and not literary competitions.
I'm surrounded by professors and research analyst and not novelist nor thespians.
My writing doesn't rhyme, I've never written a haiku and it's not even short,so I definitely can't be a poet.
Although my left nostril is pierced, I don't adorn any tattoos (I'm not one of those 'free spirited' poets, I'm wayyy too picky and I get tired of looking at the same thing all day). My hair is curly but it's not as 'strong' as that of poets who lock their passion in every strand of hair and refer to those words when they get a very unusual case of writer's block, which I swear I'm cursed with so I am no poet.
But am I really a poet?
I write for me, from my heart to the heart of my journal. I believe that beauty can be found in any and everything and one on this realm.
Instead of my yoga mat being a plain ole' orange one, it becomes my deserted island, my safe haven where I only reside, I make and 'bend' the rules.
My walk to my 'poet-less' job in the morning becomes my daily mantra, giving thanks for all that was, is and will be in my life. I give thanks for what I had, who I am, and what shall be. Every step is transformed into a song and dance of gratitude to the most high ( I love rainy days in particular: the tapping on my umbrella transforms my melody into a staccato). They say when you sing you pray twice =).
The scent of coco butter reminds me of summer, that of Maja brand foundation reminds me of my mother and the smell of an industrial dryer whisk me to a crisp fall morning.
So am I a poet?
A poet I am
I'm just a poet
or I just am
I wear dark, pin-stripped pants to work in my flourescent-lit office.
I prepare PowerPoint presentations to present at scholarly conferences and not literary competitions.
I'm surrounded by professors and research analyst and not novelist nor thespians.
My writing doesn't rhyme, I've never written a haiku and it's not even short,so I definitely can't be a poet.
Although my left nostril is pierced, I don't adorn any tattoos (I'm not one of those 'free spirited' poets, I'm wayyy too picky and I get tired of looking at the same thing all day). My hair is curly but it's not as 'strong' as that of poets who lock their passion in every strand of hair and refer to those words when they get a very unusual case of writer's block, which I swear I'm cursed with so I am no poet.
But am I really a poet?
I write for me, from my heart to the heart of my journal. I believe that beauty can be found in any and everything and one on this realm.
Instead of my yoga mat being a plain ole' orange one, it becomes my deserted island, my safe haven where I only reside, I make and 'bend' the rules.
My walk to my 'poet-less' job in the morning becomes my daily mantra, giving thanks for all that was, is and will be in my life. I give thanks for what I had, who I am, and what shall be. Every step is transformed into a song and dance of gratitude to the most high ( I love rainy days in particular: the tapping on my umbrella transforms my melody into a staccato). They say when you sing you pray twice =).
The scent of coco butter reminds me of summer, that of Maja brand foundation reminds me of my mother and the smell of an industrial dryer whisk me to a crisp fall morning.
So am I a poet?
A poet I am
I'm just a poet
or I just am
Thursday, February 25, 2010
outgrowing my veils
growing in place (the tentative title of this entry...we'll see where this goes by the time i finish)...
this piece was written earlier this year. it's been sitting in my unpublished folder and i just found the courage to publish and share it.
enjoy!
thursday evening, a snowy, slushy, i wanna stay in my sweat pants, messy hair and oversized socks day: thank you most high for days like these, days of nothingness but filled with so much. so much gratitude and peace and just stillness.
i woke up this morning with the urge to write, not sure about what, or why, but i just felt like writing. i even almost started that book i know i'll someday write, but then i saw the nutella and the breadsticks and i turned to them and moved my bookwriting to the bottom of my list: sometimes it's my academic writing, at times my computer, today the nutella.
i've been feeling a bit anxious lately, i just feel like nothing is never enough according to me (or is that my ego?), the work that i do, the love that i get, time etc.. things can always be better, colder, hotter, or faster, perfect example: i was on the 4 train on my way from work to visit my beautiful godson and i felt like that train couldn't go faster, i was looking up at the computerized map and clock (cure and curse!) and counting the stops, checking the time (annoyed when the 'next stop is...' message interfered with my paranoia and didn't allow me to check the same time i had checked 16 seconds ago). i really had to fall back, breathe and just BE in the moment. as cliche and cheesy as this sounds, it's the truth, i couldn't control neither the time of day, nor the speed of the train so i had to just BE. we are always doing and not being.
here's an example of how i'm always 'doing' and not 'being'...
i'm a constant complainer (part of doing, i'm always doing: yapping, nagging, sassying) i got sumthin' to say about sumthin' all the time. and although it's a trait i do appreciate it's something, like everything else in life, that i'm trying to balance out. it took me 28 years of life to realize just how much ENERGY i exert when i complain, when i want to argue, when i want to fight. this is energy i can be using to elevate the human consciousness by writing a book ;), finishing my degree, spending quality time with my man in peace, no nagging. don't get me wrong i don't go out there looking for things to b#$# about (or maybe i do, but that's just another entry) my complaining is warranted (people are as#$holes sometimes!!) but it's just not justifiable nor is it healthy.
i love the fighter in me, the fyah in my belly but that heat can come at a price.
the womyn in my family are tough, capital T tough (mind you my mom and all of my aunts are 5'1 and shorter!!) but tough nonetheless. they run their houses, they run their children (even after adults) and RAN their relationships... you see, ALL of my aunts (and my mama) are single-instead of purifying as a balanced fire does naturally, their fire burned their unions down to a crisp. now sistahs don't go throwing your hands up thinking i just set our movement back 30 years or that i'm trying to 'blame' women for the demise of our relationships: wrong!!! i'm just shedding light on an aspect of my relationship that I have control over, as opposed to trying to control everything up under the sun (the uncontrollable) while neglecting the one thing I do have control over: me! there are always two sides to one story, and i'm just telling you my side, trying to understand me through me, not through anyone else.
i would like to get down to the root of this fiestiness, why do we always have to be right? or tough? why can't we just let sh#$# go?!? i can't let s## go to save my life, ESPECIALLY if the s#$# is done by a man, ESPECIALLY if it's a man i'm 'in love' with. maybe it's because i don't want to look stupid, or don't want to come off as a punk, or that someone is taking advantage of me, i don't know! are these still remnants of our time of indentured servitude and/or slavery? is this distrust that we NEEDED back then still alive today, causing black/brown love to be soo difficult? i'm not sure but i am sure that i'm always ready to argue, to complain, to 'tell you about yo'self' and i'm just writing today to let my ego know that i'm getting tired and to kindly ask her to retract her nails, put them back in her fingers, unclenched my teeth and lips (one of the few places i store my anger, my right shoulder and hips being the others) and just let it roll off your shoulders.
i was taught that i should never trust a man, don't tell him everything, don't tell him how much money you really have, don't introduce him to your friends because they will 'take him' from you, don't cry in front of a man or he will not take you serious (i must be the laughing stock of any man i've loved then!! lol), don't talk about your period with him, a man is never yours he belongs to the streets. my goodness!!! is this the same person who i am to fall in love with, marry, have babies with, be FRIENDS with?!
this distrust has led me and many like me to b## and nag and complain and to be tough, in all the wrong ways!!
i'm afraid that if we continue to sweat the small stuff and nag about every little thing, by the time the real issues come around it's like we're crying wolf.
i'm working on a love that is mutual, unconditional, peaceful and happy and the older i get the more and more i realize only I can change that, only I can attract that into my life by working on me first and foremost, by remembering that not even our 5 fingers aren't equal nor perfect, let alone an entire human being. i have to learn to forgive myself and my humanness in order to do the same for those i love.
so much beauty in our universe, but we mask it, complaining being my veil...
outgrowing my veils...that's what i'll call this entry.
thanks for reading
this piece was written earlier this year. it's been sitting in my unpublished folder and i just found the courage to publish and share it.
enjoy!
thursday evening, a snowy, slushy, i wanna stay in my sweat pants, messy hair and oversized socks day: thank you most high for days like these, days of nothingness but filled with so much. so much gratitude and peace and just stillness.
i woke up this morning with the urge to write, not sure about what, or why, but i just felt like writing. i even almost started that book i know i'll someday write, but then i saw the nutella and the breadsticks and i turned to them and moved my bookwriting to the bottom of my list: sometimes it's my academic writing, at times my computer, today the nutella.
i've been feeling a bit anxious lately, i just feel like nothing is never enough according to me (or is that my ego?), the work that i do, the love that i get, time etc.. things can always be better, colder, hotter, or faster, perfect example: i was on the 4 train on my way from work to visit my beautiful godson and i felt like that train couldn't go faster, i was looking up at the computerized map and clock (cure and curse!) and counting the stops, checking the time (annoyed when the 'next stop is...' message interfered with my paranoia and didn't allow me to check the same time i had checked 16 seconds ago). i really had to fall back, breathe and just BE in the moment. as cliche and cheesy as this sounds, it's the truth, i couldn't control neither the time of day, nor the speed of the train so i had to just BE. we are always doing and not being.
here's an example of how i'm always 'doing' and not 'being'...
i'm a constant complainer (part of doing, i'm always doing: yapping, nagging, sassying) i got sumthin' to say about sumthin' all the time. and although it's a trait i do appreciate it's something, like everything else in life, that i'm trying to balance out. it took me 28 years of life to realize just how much ENERGY i exert when i complain, when i want to argue, when i want to fight. this is energy i can be using to elevate the human consciousness by writing a book ;), finishing my degree, spending quality time with my man in peace, no nagging. don't get me wrong i don't go out there looking for things to b#$# about (or maybe i do, but that's just another entry) my complaining is warranted (people are as#$holes sometimes!!) but it's just not justifiable nor is it healthy.
i love the fighter in me, the fyah in my belly but that heat can come at a price.
the womyn in my family are tough, capital T tough (mind you my mom and all of my aunts are 5'1 and shorter!!) but tough nonetheless. they run their houses, they run their children (even after adults) and RAN their relationships... you see, ALL of my aunts (and my mama) are single-instead of purifying as a balanced fire does naturally, their fire burned their unions down to a crisp. now sistahs don't go throwing your hands up thinking i just set our movement back 30 years or that i'm trying to 'blame' women for the demise of our relationships: wrong!!! i'm just shedding light on an aspect of my relationship that I have control over, as opposed to trying to control everything up under the sun (the uncontrollable) while neglecting the one thing I do have control over: me! there are always two sides to one story, and i'm just telling you my side, trying to understand me through me, not through anyone else.
i would like to get down to the root of this fiestiness, why do we always have to be right? or tough? why can't we just let sh#$# go?!? i can't let s## go to save my life, ESPECIALLY if the s#$# is done by a man, ESPECIALLY if it's a man i'm 'in love' with. maybe it's because i don't want to look stupid, or don't want to come off as a punk, or that someone is taking advantage of me, i don't know! are these still remnants of our time of indentured servitude and/or slavery? is this distrust that we NEEDED back then still alive today, causing black/brown love to be soo difficult? i'm not sure but i am sure that i'm always ready to argue, to complain, to 'tell you about yo'self' and i'm just writing today to let my ego know that i'm getting tired and to kindly ask her to retract her nails, put them back in her fingers, unclenched my teeth and lips (one of the few places i store my anger, my right shoulder and hips being the others) and just let it roll off your shoulders.
i was taught that i should never trust a man, don't tell him everything, don't tell him how much money you really have, don't introduce him to your friends because they will 'take him' from you, don't cry in front of a man or he will not take you serious (i must be the laughing stock of any man i've loved then!! lol), don't talk about your period with him, a man is never yours he belongs to the streets. my goodness!!! is this the same person who i am to fall in love with, marry, have babies with, be FRIENDS with?!
this distrust has led me and many like me to b## and nag and complain and to be tough, in all the wrong ways!!
i'm afraid that if we continue to sweat the small stuff and nag about every little thing, by the time the real issues come around it's like we're crying wolf.
i'm working on a love that is mutual, unconditional, peaceful and happy and the older i get the more and more i realize only I can change that, only I can attract that into my life by working on me first and foremost, by remembering that not even our 5 fingers aren't equal nor perfect, let alone an entire human being. i have to learn to forgive myself and my humanness in order to do the same for those i love.
so much beauty in our universe, but we mask it, complaining being my veil...
outgrowing my veils...that's what i'll call this entry.
thanks for reading
Thursday, November 19, 2009
what my blue peep toe shoe taught me
good morning familia...
i wanted to share a quick story bout some blue shoes that taught me an invaluable lesson this week.
i went into my favorite shoe store in nyc (shoegasm on 23rd and 6th) a few weeks ago and it was love at first site. i saw them the minute i walked it: they were a pair of electric blue peep toe pumps with a huge blue bow in the front. i was in love but my bank account wasn't. i couldn't afford them at the moment (i 'could' because i had money in the bank but as you get older you start separating your funds into 'bill' money, 'eating' money and disposable income, as opposed to when i was a bit younger: it was all disposable income) so i was smart and walked out of there with a broken heart and no shoes.
i kept thinking about these shoes and how i would rock them, what scarf they would go well with, the perfect jeans, etc. but i wasn't going to do it to myself and start living outside of my means.
i forgot about the shoes for a few weeks but on sunday evening as i was getting ready for my day on monday i thought of the shoes again and i don't know where this came from but i affirmed: miguelina, you are going to get those shoes tomorrow and you aren't going to pay full price. that's all i said and i went to bed. the next day came and i marched into shoegasm and there they were: my babies!
i asked for my regular size but they didn't fit, weird!! so the guy brings me a half a size lower and the only pair they have left includes the sample on the floor...ding ding ding! here was my affirmation manifesting itself. i tried them on and it was like a glove, perfect in every way. i put on my R face (retail face) and asked him for a discount because it was a sample and that i've worked in retail and i know how this works...and he agreed and took a percentage off the shoe!
i am a 7, have been since i was about 19, i don't remember the last time i bought a 6.5 but on Monday I did.
i affirmed something, didn't think twice about it, and i got exactly what i wanted and for the price i wanted.
this may seem like another 'i'm addicted to retail' tale, but trust me it's bigger than the shoes!!
this taught me the power of our minds and what we can do if only we watch our thoughts and our words (thanks Id) and channel positive energy into our minds, as opposed to all the self limiting, self defeating beliefs that human beings have been trained to entertain.
at times we want something and as soon as the thought of the want comes into our minds we tend to dismiss it because we start to think about the HOW, how will i start that business? how will i get that degree? how can i change this relationship around? i've learned that in life, the HOW is none of our dam business!! we leave that up to our creator and they figure it out. our role as co-creators is to ask for and affirm our good, pray on it, and surrender it into the universe. if we believe in what we want with all our hearts (whether a pair of blue peep toe shoes, a house, or a healthy relationship with our partners) we will get it, the only thing standing in between you and what you want is...YOU!
as i ALWAYS remind you all, trust me as i write to you i am speaking to me. these blue shoes were the tip of the iceberg for me because i have a long ways to go. i get in my own way soo much! i make excuses for why i didn't do this, why this relationship didn't work, why i haven't taken those salsa dance classes i've always wanted to or why i haven't worked on my yoga certification, but at the end of it all it's simply not believing that A: i deserve all these good and B: that i can have them.
a couple of years ago i read the Celestine Prophecy (changed my life!) and i wanted to visit some ancient ruins, and my heart led me to Guatemala. i knew i wanted to go to Guatemala and have an experience of a lifetime, but i didn't know how. i know some of my friends remember how i used to tell them 'i'm going to Guatemala' and they would ask: 'really? when?' and i would simply reply ' i don;t know but i know i am going'. they would laugh as if i were crazy, but i meant it and believed it! but that was an honest answer i didn't know, all i know was that the desire was there and i chose to believe that i deserved this trip, again, leaving the HOW up to my creator(s). i knew i wanted a grassroots experience, no electricity, no running water, just mama nature and i, and i def needed to see the ancient ruins of Tikal!!: and i got it!! one 'random' day at work a 'not so random' email came in from my school's listserve announcing a 10 day trip to Guatemala for $1,000..whhhhhat? that was the answer to my prayers/affirmations.
as india.arie says, it's that simple although at times it looks complicated. we are what we think and if you're anything like me you are plagued with thoughts of lack and negativity and fears of the what ifs, when will it happen, why me, etc. but we have to watch our thoughts and consciously shift our perception. watch our thoughts and try to be gentle with ourselves when 'negative' thoughts come up, try not to judge but coach ourselves through that and consciously change our perspective and think about positive things. i hear that it starts to change your life in ways you would've never imagined...i'm not quite there yet myself but at least me and my blue shoes are on that yellow brick road, on my way!
all of this ain;t nothing new. this is written in books, we've seen it in movies like 'the secret' and 'what the bleep do we know?', but i guess i was trying to bring all of the material in these books/movies a bit closer to home and share my excitement because i am starting to see all this stuff we read and talk about begin to manifest in my life.
so now not only do i have a pair of electric blue f#$# me shoes, but now my outlook on life has shifted a teeny bit and sometimes that's all we need. my mom taught me that all we need is faith the size of a mustard seed (if ya aren't familiar with the seed it is TINY!!!) in order to move mountains in our lives and to start to live a life of constant peace!! not glimpses of it but constant peace.
i pray we all find our source of peace down this path called life so that when the winds of change blow our way that peace keeps us grounded enough so that we aren't swayed to and fro during the 'storm'.
who'd a thunk it?...i guess i did!!
i wanted to share a quick story bout some blue shoes that taught me an invaluable lesson this week.
i went into my favorite shoe store in nyc (shoegasm on 23rd and 6th) a few weeks ago and it was love at first site. i saw them the minute i walked it: they were a pair of electric blue peep toe pumps with a huge blue bow in the front. i was in love but my bank account wasn't. i couldn't afford them at the moment (i 'could' because i had money in the bank but as you get older you start separating your funds into 'bill' money, 'eating' money and disposable income, as opposed to when i was a bit younger: it was all disposable income) so i was smart and walked out of there with a broken heart and no shoes.
i kept thinking about these shoes and how i would rock them, what scarf they would go well with, the perfect jeans, etc. but i wasn't going to do it to myself and start living outside of my means.
i forgot about the shoes for a few weeks but on sunday evening as i was getting ready for my day on monday i thought of the shoes again and i don't know where this came from but i affirmed: miguelina, you are going to get those shoes tomorrow and you aren't going to pay full price. that's all i said and i went to bed. the next day came and i marched into shoegasm and there they were: my babies!
i asked for my regular size but they didn't fit, weird!! so the guy brings me a half a size lower and the only pair they have left includes the sample on the floor...ding ding ding! here was my affirmation manifesting itself. i tried them on and it was like a glove, perfect in every way. i put on my R face (retail face) and asked him for a discount because it was a sample and that i've worked in retail and i know how this works...and he agreed and took a percentage off the shoe!
i am a 7, have been since i was about 19, i don't remember the last time i bought a 6.5 but on Monday I did.
i affirmed something, didn't think twice about it, and i got exactly what i wanted and for the price i wanted.
this may seem like another 'i'm addicted to retail' tale, but trust me it's bigger than the shoes!!
this taught me the power of our minds and what we can do if only we watch our thoughts and our words (thanks Id) and channel positive energy into our minds, as opposed to all the self limiting, self defeating beliefs that human beings have been trained to entertain.
at times we want something and as soon as the thought of the want comes into our minds we tend to dismiss it because we start to think about the HOW, how will i start that business? how will i get that degree? how can i change this relationship around? i've learned that in life, the HOW is none of our dam business!! we leave that up to our creator and they figure it out. our role as co-creators is to ask for and affirm our good, pray on it, and surrender it into the universe. if we believe in what we want with all our hearts (whether a pair of blue peep toe shoes, a house, or a healthy relationship with our partners) we will get it, the only thing standing in between you and what you want is...YOU!
as i ALWAYS remind you all, trust me as i write to you i am speaking to me. these blue shoes were the tip of the iceberg for me because i have a long ways to go. i get in my own way soo much! i make excuses for why i didn't do this, why this relationship didn't work, why i haven't taken those salsa dance classes i've always wanted to or why i haven't worked on my yoga certification, but at the end of it all it's simply not believing that A: i deserve all these good and B: that i can have them.
a couple of years ago i read the Celestine Prophecy (changed my life!) and i wanted to visit some ancient ruins, and my heart led me to Guatemala. i knew i wanted to go to Guatemala and have an experience of a lifetime, but i didn't know how. i know some of my friends remember how i used to tell them 'i'm going to Guatemala' and they would ask: 'really? when?' and i would simply reply ' i don;t know but i know i am going'. they would laugh as if i were crazy, but i meant it and believed it! but that was an honest answer i didn't know, all i know was that the desire was there and i chose to believe that i deserved this trip, again, leaving the HOW up to my creator(s). i knew i wanted a grassroots experience, no electricity, no running water, just mama nature and i, and i def needed to see the ancient ruins of Tikal!!: and i got it!! one 'random' day at work a 'not so random' email came in from my school's listserve announcing a 10 day trip to Guatemala for $1,000..whhhhhat? that was the answer to my prayers/affirmations.
as india.arie says, it's that simple although at times it looks complicated. we are what we think and if you're anything like me you are plagued with thoughts of lack and negativity and fears of the what ifs, when will it happen, why me, etc. but we have to watch our thoughts and consciously shift our perception. watch our thoughts and try to be gentle with ourselves when 'negative' thoughts come up, try not to judge but coach ourselves through that and consciously change our perspective and think about positive things. i hear that it starts to change your life in ways you would've never imagined...i'm not quite there yet myself but at least me and my blue shoes are on that yellow brick road, on my way!
all of this ain;t nothing new. this is written in books, we've seen it in movies like 'the secret' and 'what the bleep do we know?', but i guess i was trying to bring all of the material in these books/movies a bit closer to home and share my excitement because i am starting to see all this stuff we read and talk about begin to manifest in my life.
so now not only do i have a pair of electric blue f#$# me shoes, but now my outlook on life has shifted a teeny bit and sometimes that's all we need. my mom taught me that all we need is faith the size of a mustard seed (if ya aren't familiar with the seed it is TINY!!!) in order to move mountains in our lives and to start to live a life of constant peace!! not glimpses of it but constant peace.
i pray we all find our source of peace down this path called life so that when the winds of change blow our way that peace keeps us grounded enough so that we aren't swayed to and fro during the 'storm'.
who'd a thunk it?...i guess i did!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
ROYGBIV
The more amicably you greet trouble, the sooner he will go away. – Artemus Ward...
good evening familia. happy monday to everyone. it's been a while since i blessed my soul with a little 'writing therapy'; i've allowed academic work to take hold for a while but i still can't live without my 'prose'.the quote above came to me this past week as part of my 'word of the week' from unity of new york (the spiritual center i am a part of now, and one experience that has changed my life...but that's a whole other post). this quote spoke volumes to me for many reasons; i've witnessed, first handedly, human beings can complicate our own lives. we huff and puff and hem and haw when 'life' is happening, we b#%# so much about change that all of a sudden we find ourselves with an Erlenmeyer flask in one hand and a bunson burner in another- we've become the mad scientist, converting simple, healthy, UNAVOIDABLE change into drama! we make a mountain out of a small little anthill. i assure ya, i was one of those. i suffered from what i called 'the VCR syndrome', i would replay drama in my mind over and over and over; i would share my drama with anyone who was ready to listen, i wrote about it in my journal, i replayed the event(s) in my head and even added extra actors, and outfits and scenarios. sometimes i was the protagonist, but most of the time i was a mere victim of circumstance! during that time in my life, i felt as if life was happening TO ME as opposed to THROUGH ME.
although i am not a pink floyd fan ( i can't tell you what they sing, or who they are, all i know is that supposedly their 'Darker Side of the Moon' album and The Wizard of Oz correspond with each other; if you play the album as the movie starts, it will play in synch with the movie: coooll right?) i LOVE their album cover with the prism on it; it's just so powerful to see how a tiny spec of light, when filtered through a prism, can reflect the beautiful rainbow god blessed us with. the same can go for us: we can choose to be beautiful, clear, DRAMA FREE prisms, reflecting light and ROYGBIV, or you can be opaque, dull and clouded with what so and so did to you, how the late train effed your day up, how 'life is not fair' , WHY is it raining on a Wednesday god?!?etc. etc. etc.
i've learned that 'SURRENDER' is the name of the game. i've been practicing yoga for close to three years now, i've done many styles, on many colored-mats, in hot smelly rooms, quiet ones and in the privacy of my own home; i've stretched my body in ways i didn't even know i could-one time I even balanced my entire body on one toe (the right big-toe to be exact), and although these were challenging positions i pushed through the pain and the limiting beliefs and did it (yyeahh migue!) BUT when it came to Savasana, i couldn't hang. at first glance it seems super easy: savasana is the pose where you simply lay down face up on your mat, palms up and breathing normally. they usually ask you not to fidget and to try and be still: yeah right!! that is the moment when my ego goes buck wild: first my nose itches-so i scratch, then the itch transfers to my right brow, i take care of that, I get annoyed at this itch that has 'taken over my body' but it soon goes away-thank god. i go back to center, breathe in and as i am about to exhale the waist line of my yoga pants starts rolling down my hip, exposing my tiny pot belly i had masked so well! ladies (and some gentleman) you KNOW what i'm talking about: there is a certain 'place' where our pants feel comfortable and serve as a Monet- in the mirror it looks as if my waist shrunk 2 inches: cool! but if it rolls down about half an inch too low, that coco-cola bottle figure starts to feel more like a frozen two liter, oozing chunks of frozen soda out onto the sides of the bottle once opened...yeah that's how it can feel, and i ain't crazy i KNOW i'm not the only one ;).
i role my pants back up and take care of my 'frozen coca-cola' syndrome- now it's back to savasna: oommmmmmmmmm! i rearrange the towel under me, face my palms up again and come back to center only to be greeted by the same itch but now it's moved to my left collar bone...aaayyyiiii!!
ALL this just to show you how HARD the SIMPLE act of Savasna = Surrender truly is! our control issues take hold and we let the itch, the yoga pant, the mat, the job, the inconsiderate friend, the late train, the rude waiter, etc...get the best of us instead of surrendering! we feel like it's our job to do do do, to 'fix' things (sometimes it ain't even our own ish we wanna fix but that of our mama's, our partners, or when we feel the need to 'check' someone )...why can't we just be?
at times i find myself writing about the same 'stuff':change, life, love, surrender, etc, but i can't help it folks. i see children of god getting in the way of their own good: why? why can't we just trust god and surrender to her/his/their/its will? (i'm tryna be politically correct ya'll! bear with me lol)they know what they are doing, why they are doing it, with whom and more importantly WHEN! todo a su devido tiempo, everything has its season and happens exactly when it's supposed to, in divine order.
my mom taught me that life is not about simply living it, but about KNOWING how to live it. and i never got what she meant when she used to tell me that at the tender age of 7, lol (dominicans have no filter for age, they school you on life at an early age) but at 28 i get it - eureka!! knowing how to live it, is knowing when to gracefully bow out, let go and let God!!
i sign off of this post with this one request:
the next time change happens in your life (whether small scale like a late train, or bigger like a job loss), instead of being a VCR, why not be a Prism?
light!
good evening familia. happy monday to everyone. it's been a while since i blessed my soul with a little 'writing therapy'; i've allowed academic work to take hold for a while but i still can't live without my 'prose'.the quote above came to me this past week as part of my 'word of the week' from unity of new york (the spiritual center i am a part of now, and one experience that has changed my life...but that's a whole other post). this quote spoke volumes to me for many reasons; i've witnessed, first handedly, human beings can complicate our own lives. we huff and puff and hem and haw when 'life' is happening, we b#%# so much about change that all of a sudden we find ourselves with an Erlenmeyer flask in one hand and a bunson burner in another- we've become the mad scientist, converting simple, healthy, UNAVOIDABLE change into drama! we make a mountain out of a small little anthill. i assure ya, i was one of those. i suffered from what i called 'the VCR syndrome', i would replay drama in my mind over and over and over; i would share my drama with anyone who was ready to listen, i wrote about it in my journal, i replayed the event(s) in my head and even added extra actors, and outfits and scenarios. sometimes i was the protagonist, but most of the time i was a mere victim of circumstance! during that time in my life, i felt as if life was happening TO ME as opposed to THROUGH ME.
although i am not a pink floyd fan ( i can't tell you what they sing, or who they are, all i know is that supposedly their 'Darker Side of the Moon' album and The Wizard of Oz correspond with each other; if you play the album as the movie starts, it will play in synch with the movie: coooll right?) i LOVE their album cover with the prism on it; it's just so powerful to see how a tiny spec of light, when filtered through a prism, can reflect the beautiful rainbow god blessed us with. the same can go for us: we can choose to be beautiful, clear, DRAMA FREE prisms, reflecting light and ROYGBIV, or you can be opaque, dull and clouded with what so and so did to you, how the late train effed your day up, how 'life is not fair' , WHY is it raining on a Wednesday god?!?etc. etc. etc.
i've learned that 'SURRENDER' is the name of the game. i've been practicing yoga for close to three years now, i've done many styles, on many colored-mats, in hot smelly rooms, quiet ones and in the privacy of my own home; i've stretched my body in ways i didn't even know i could-one time I even balanced my entire body on one toe (the right big-toe to be exact), and although these were challenging positions i pushed through the pain and the limiting beliefs and did it (yyeahh migue!) BUT when it came to Savasana, i couldn't hang. at first glance it seems super easy: savasana is the pose where you simply lay down face up on your mat, palms up and breathing normally. they usually ask you not to fidget and to try and be still: yeah right!! that is the moment when my ego goes buck wild: first my nose itches-so i scratch, then the itch transfers to my right brow, i take care of that, I get annoyed at this itch that has 'taken over my body' but it soon goes away-thank god. i go back to center, breathe in and as i am about to exhale the waist line of my yoga pants starts rolling down my hip, exposing my tiny pot belly i had masked so well! ladies (and some gentleman) you KNOW what i'm talking about: there is a certain 'place' where our pants feel comfortable and serve as a Monet- in the mirror it looks as if my waist shrunk 2 inches: cool! but if it rolls down about half an inch too low, that coco-cola bottle figure starts to feel more like a frozen two liter, oozing chunks of frozen soda out onto the sides of the bottle once opened...yeah that's how it can feel, and i ain't crazy i KNOW i'm not the only one ;).
i role my pants back up and take care of my 'frozen coca-cola' syndrome- now it's back to savasna: oommmmmmmmmm! i rearrange the towel under me, face my palms up again and come back to center only to be greeted by the same itch but now it's moved to my left collar bone...aaayyyiiii!!
ALL this just to show you how HARD the SIMPLE act of Savasna = Surrender truly is! our control issues take hold and we let the itch, the yoga pant, the mat, the job, the inconsiderate friend, the late train, the rude waiter, etc...get the best of us instead of surrendering! we feel like it's our job to do do do, to 'fix' things (sometimes it ain't even our own ish we wanna fix but that of our mama's, our partners, or when we feel the need to 'check' someone )...why can't we just be?
at times i find myself writing about the same 'stuff':change, life, love, surrender, etc, but i can't help it folks. i see children of god getting in the way of their own good: why? why can't we just trust god and surrender to her/his/their/its will? (i'm tryna be politically correct ya'll! bear with me lol)they know what they are doing, why they are doing it, with whom and more importantly WHEN! todo a su devido tiempo, everything has its season and happens exactly when it's supposed to, in divine order.
my mom taught me that life is not about simply living it, but about KNOWING how to live it. and i never got what she meant when she used to tell me that at the tender age of 7, lol (dominicans have no filter for age, they school you on life at an early age) but at 28 i get it - eureka!! knowing how to live it, is knowing when to gracefully bow out, let go and let God!!
i sign off of this post with this one request:
the next time change happens in your life (whether small scale like a late train, or bigger like a job loss), instead of being a VCR, why not be a Prism?
light!
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