growing in place (the tentative title of this entry...we'll see where this goes by the time i finish)...
this piece was written earlier this year. it's been sitting in my unpublished folder and i just found the courage to publish and share it.
enjoy!
thursday evening, a snowy, slushy, i wanna stay in my sweat pants, messy hair and oversized socks day: thank you most high for days like these, days of nothingness but filled with so much. so much gratitude and peace and just stillness.
i woke up this morning with the urge to write, not sure about what, or why, but i just felt like writing. i even almost started that book i know i'll someday write, but then i saw the nutella and the breadsticks and i turned to them and moved my bookwriting to the bottom of my list: sometimes it's my academic writing, at times my computer, today the nutella.
i've been feeling a bit anxious lately, i just feel like nothing is never enough according to me (or is that my ego?), the work that i do, the love that i get, time etc.. things can always be better, colder, hotter, or faster, perfect example: i was on the 4 train on my way from work to visit my beautiful godson and i felt like that train couldn't go faster, i was looking up at the computerized map and clock (cure and curse!) and counting the stops, checking the time (annoyed when the 'next stop is...' message interfered with my paranoia and didn't allow me to check the same time i had checked 16 seconds ago). i really had to fall back, breathe and just BE in the moment. as cliche and cheesy as this sounds, it's the truth, i couldn't control neither the time of day, nor the speed of the train so i had to just BE. we are always doing and not being.
here's an example of how i'm always 'doing' and not 'being'...
i'm a constant complainer (part of doing, i'm always doing: yapping, nagging, sassying) i got sumthin' to say about sumthin' all the time. and although it's a trait i do appreciate it's something, like everything else in life, that i'm trying to balance out. it took me 28 years of life to realize just how much ENERGY i exert when i complain, when i want to argue, when i want to fight. this is energy i can be using to elevate the human consciousness by writing a book ;), finishing my degree, spending quality time with my man in peace, no nagging. don't get me wrong i don't go out there looking for things to b#$# about (or maybe i do, but that's just another entry) my complaining is warranted (people are as#$holes sometimes!!) but it's just not justifiable nor is it healthy.
i love the fighter in me, the fyah in my belly but that heat can come at a price.
the womyn in my family are tough, capital T tough (mind you my mom and all of my aunts are 5'1 and shorter!!) but tough nonetheless. they run their houses, they run their children (even after adults) and RAN their relationships... you see, ALL of my aunts (and my mama) are single-instead of purifying as a balanced fire does naturally, their fire burned their unions down to a crisp. now sistahs don't go throwing your hands up thinking i just set our movement back 30 years or that i'm trying to 'blame' women for the demise of our relationships: wrong!!! i'm just shedding light on an aspect of my relationship that I have control over, as opposed to trying to control everything up under the sun (the uncontrollable) while neglecting the one thing I do have control over: me! there are always two sides to one story, and i'm just telling you my side, trying to understand me through me, not through anyone else.
i would like to get down to the root of this fiestiness, why do we always have to be right? or tough? why can't we just let sh#$# go?!? i can't let s## go to save my life, ESPECIALLY if the s#$# is done by a man, ESPECIALLY if it's a man i'm 'in love' with. maybe it's because i don't want to look stupid, or don't want to come off as a punk, or that someone is taking advantage of me, i don't know! are these still remnants of our time of indentured servitude and/or slavery? is this distrust that we NEEDED back then still alive today, causing black/brown love to be soo difficult? i'm not sure but i am sure that i'm always ready to argue, to complain, to 'tell you about yo'self' and i'm just writing today to let my ego know that i'm getting tired and to kindly ask her to retract her nails, put them back in her fingers, unclenched my teeth and lips (one of the few places i store my anger, my right shoulder and hips being the others) and just let it roll off your shoulders.
i was taught that i should never trust a man, don't tell him everything, don't tell him how much money you really have, don't introduce him to your friends because they will 'take him' from you, don't cry in front of a man or he will not take you serious (i must be the laughing stock of any man i've loved then!! lol), don't talk about your period with him, a man is never yours he belongs to the streets. my goodness!!! is this the same person who i am to fall in love with, marry, have babies with, be FRIENDS with?!
this distrust has led me and many like me to b## and nag and complain and to be tough, in all the wrong ways!!
i'm afraid that if we continue to sweat the small stuff and nag about every little thing, by the time the real issues come around it's like we're crying wolf.
i'm working on a love that is mutual, unconditional, peaceful and happy and the older i get the more and more i realize only I can change that, only I can attract that into my life by working on me first and foremost, by remembering that not even our 5 fingers aren't equal nor perfect, let alone an entire human being. i have to learn to forgive myself and my humanness in order to do the same for those i love.
so much beauty in our universe, but we mask it, complaining being my veil...
outgrowing my veils...that's what i'll call this entry.
thanks for reading
